Chapter 38: 8K, Half Marathon...I've Lost My Mind!

Well I know it's been a while since I last posted and I apologize for that, I've just been really super busy with work and what not.

Ok so here's for a quick update.

There is an 8K in August that I'm considering running...I'm super nervous and don't know if I will. But here's my situation...there is also a Half Marathon in Memphis on December 5th for St. Jude that I really, really want to run; however, I've told myself that if I simply don't run this 8K then I can't run the Half...but I really, really want to...or atleast attempt it lol. So basically it's like if you tell your kid they won't get any ice cream until they eat their green beans, well yeah, that's what I'm doing to myself lol. But I also told myself that if I do run the 8K and I die or almost die then I've decided it'll probably scare me out of running the Half Marathon. I mean, I know there is no possible way I'll be able to run the entire thing, but I definitely want to try. The 5K that I ran on July 4th felt like it was gonna kill me, so I don't know why I'm thinking I can attempt a Half Marathon...I think I've officially lost it lol. So yeah.

I haven't been running as much lately because of work and stuff so I've been working during the night and sleeping during the day...I've been super tired all the time. But I also haven't gained anything this summer so I'm hoping that I can at least keep from gaining anything then beat my butt at the gym when I get back to Memphis, which will just be in a few weeks :)

Ok so that's a quick update...I promise I'll post something worth reading later on in the week! :) Thanks!

Chapter 37: The Night Shift

It was a night, just like any other, but there was something slightly different about tonight. The wind was calm, the moon was bright, and the heat was muggy. I pulled up to the building. I turned off my car, grabbed my bag, and slowly climbed out of my car...I was terrified of what might be lurking inside, yet at the same time it excited me. I walked to the front door and knocked. My palms were a little sweaty and my heart beat was fast...the front door opened...it was....it was....my...CO-WORKER!

Yep, that's right...it was work. Tonight/this morning/last night I worked my first night shift as a 911 Operator/Dispatcher. It's almost 5am and it wasn't really that bad *knock on wood*. I'm sitting here now on the "Lounge Computer" taking a short break to update you guys...and in the next second I could be running back to my desk (yes, literally running...) to answer a 911 call. Which could range from "My dog won't come out from under the bed" to "My husband just stabbed me in the chest and took my kids!" You just never know. So yeah, I'm trying to find the strength to stay awake lol.

The worst thing about all-nighters/night shift is that I tend to eat...a lot! I eat more at night and when I'm staying up all night than I eat all day. I munch a lot especially when I'm trying to stay awake. I hate it though because then I go straight home after this and I'll sleep until about 4pm. Then I'll take some sleeping pills and go back to sleep around 10pm (that way my sleeping schedule doesn't get screwed up too bad lol). So yeah, no time for exercise...or atleast it's really hard to FIND time for exercise lol. Well I guess my break time is up...I need to get back to my desk...this is Operator 812 with DeKalb County 911 signing off! :)

Chapter 36: Half Marathon Plan & A Quick Shoutout! :)

Well I decided after running the 5K last week that I really wanna up my game and run a half marathon. It's a big goal...who am I kiddin, it's a HUGE goal, but I'm willing to train and do it. There is a half marathon in Memphis around December 5 for St. Jude and with St. Jude being so close to my heart I thought, why better to run than to benefit something wonderful like St. Jude. I think I've even got a few friends from here at home that may make the trip to come join me :)

So the other day I drove around my house and our part of the town (which is mostly country side and back roads) and I mapped out a half marathon and a full marathon...yes, a full marathon! Although I will probably never do it haha. I did map it out for training purposes. I'm gonna start running a lot more than I have been and hopefully by the time December rolls around I'll be able to successfully run a half-marathon, without dieing haha.

So for my quick shoutout: Mzzlily! You've been an awesome blog reader! I'm so glad you're reading my blog because you really inspire me and motivate me. I was actually getting lunch today and I was really craving a cheeseburger, then I thought, "No, because sooner or later I'll post a blog about my update and Lily won't be too happy if I ate a cheeseburger!" haha. You're always so uplifting and I really enjoy reading your comments. You have commented on almost every single one of my posts and it really brightens my day when I get an encouraging post from you! I know we've never met, but I feel like you're such an awesome friend! Thanks! :)

I know there are others that post and comment on my blog, but Mzzlily just posts all the time...she really goes out of her way to make sure she encourages me and it really helps. Doing a weight-loss journey like this really makes you feel alone at times, but it's good to know that I have someone to motivate me :) Well that's a quick update for now! :)

Chapter 35: My First 5K Marathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DID IT!!! And I didn't die lol!

Well it took me 46 minutes but I race my first ever 5K Marathon yesterday!!! I was so excited...well except for getting up at 6am lol. The race started at 7 and I finished right around 8:45! I was in pain and today my legs are killin' me, but I felt great! The endorphin rush was awesome! I walked a small bit just because my legs started to cramp, but I pretty much ran/jogged the entire thing! I was sooooo happy! When I finished I couldn't have been more proud! I was so happy I honestly could've cried lol. I actually did it, I ran a Marathon...it was a small Marathon, but I gotta start somewhere! lol.

While I was running I kept reminding myself that I am changing my life. I am getting healthy. I am doing this for me. Nobody else, but me. It was awesome! I took some pics before and after and a little bit during, so I've posted them below for ya!! :)



Everyone at the starting line! Me with my Nutritionist friend! :)



Me after the race...I was sore lol. Me with my mom!



Me crossing the finish line!!! :) Almost to the finish line....almost!





"Run Forrest, run!" lol.. I can see the finish line, just a little more!





At the start of the race.... The sign I had on my back during the race!

Chapter 34: I'm Back! (5K, Here I Come!)

Well my motivation has finally kicked back in! And it has had a lot of great changes these past few weeks! I've decided for sure to change my major to Dietetics, now the only thing is that I'm just really trying to keep my voice scholarship...so I'm trying to work that out.

BIG, BIG NEWS!!!!!! *Drum Roll>>>>>>>>>*

I ran my first ever full 5k (even though it wasn't an actual competition, I still ran it for practice). I've walked plenty of practice 5K's, but this was different. I started out and I told myself, "I will run this entire thing...no walking!" Well I started running and I felt great. It wasn't until I got to a hill on my road that my legs started to hurt. I pushed through it then once i got to the top I stopped for about 30 seconds, stretched then started up again. I repeated this process two more times out of the entire thing. My ending time was 47 minutes! I was so proud! Now for the really big news...............

Tomorrow is my first REAL 5K!!! It's the Fiddler 5K (it's a festival in my hometown that hosts a marathon)...I wasn't gonna do it but I talked to a friend of mine today and she really encouraged me to run it! So I'm going to. I won't finish first, but I really want to do it! I just hope I finish under and hour and without dieing haha! Well wish me luck! I'm hitting the sack so that I'll be ready...6am will come pretty early! :)

Chapter 33: Am I Really Gonna Change My Major?

Well I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I'm going to change my major at school.

It's not that I don't enjoy my current major (Vocal Music Performance) but it's just that I never wanted singing to be a "chore". I don't enjoy singing like I did, and I often find myself dreading going to choir or anything like that. It's difficult to keep going when the one thing that you've done since you were two is the one thing that's turning against you.

I've been doing a lot of research and really thinking about this. I decided that I have two to three options if I do decide to change my major:

1. African American Studies

2. Spanish

3. Dietetics

Those are my top three choices right now. All three of them would be something I would love doing and I could get great jobs in all three fields. They are, however, in no particular order. The one I am leaning towards the most as of now would be option number three. Dietetics is basically diets, nutrition, fitness, etc. etc. I could get a job working as a Dietitian in hospitals, gyms, or even school systems. I could also work with overweight people and help them to lose weight. I also thought that doing this might be the great motivation I need to really kick start my weightloss back into gear and just shed the rest of these lbs off like butter! I mean who's gonna listen to a fat nutritionist?! lol...so I have to lose weight if I'm going to do this. And think about this, when I do lose the weight if I have a degree as a Dietetics Person Thingy then I can tell others about my story and maybe help someone who is in my shoes. I mean, I am in no way skinny, but I hope to change that within the next 9 months.

Well, let me know what you think. I would love your advice! :)

Chapter 32: Where Oh Where Has My Motivation Gone?!

It's happened...I've lost my motivation :(

I'm trying to get it back, but when you lose motivation it's like attempting to hang onto a car as it dangles off a cliff....there's no point in even trying because you know it's going to fall. I'm not strong enough to hold onto my motivation.

The past few days have been fine, but it's like since I haven't been in the gym and I've been doing all my workouts outside, I've just lost it. I haven't gained any weight, but I've only lost 3lbs since I've been home...I should been down to atleast a 10lb weight loss at this point in the summer. I'm not sure what to do. I can make myself go but it's soooooo much harder when I don't have the motivation.

I've been thinking and I believe the one sure thing that will kick my motivation back into gear is to watch a few episodes of The Biggest Loser. I still have them all on my computer/ipod so I think I'll just have to sit down and watch a couple. I'm really hoping and praying that doing that will help to motivate me. I really want to lose another 20lbs before I go back in August...and now it's coming down to the last month of summer, so I've really got to buckle down if I'm gonna do it.

I will lose 100lbs by March so I really need to just focus and take it. I have to convince myself that the pain is a good thing. I have to convince myself that I will NOT give up. I have to convince myself that I'm changing my life. I have to convince myself that I'm getting healthy. I have to convince myself that I will not stop. I have to convince myself that I'm living. I have to.

Chapter 31: 5K @ 7am = Sore Muscles, Great Wakeup!

Well I woke up this morning and decided to join a friend of mine from church on a 5K trail. It was painful lol! I was sore during and after the trail, but I felt really good because I am actually able to jog/walk a 5K in under an hour. I was pretty darn excited about that!

While we were walking at around 7:30 this morning we were just listening to the birds, and looking at God's amazing creation! It was astounding! I got to thinking about how there are so many overweight, unhappy people that are physically unable to get out and walk or exercise and that breaks my heart. My mother was one of those people, which is why she had weight loss surgery, but to see people that are so unhappy in his or her own body and know that they can't do a thing about it is extremely sad. I used to think that I couldn't run or exercise because I was to fat, but the truth of the matter was that I was simply to LAZY to run or exercise. I didn't want to take time out to save my life. I was too lazy to live.

Now, even though I'm not thin, I'm healthier and I'm much more active...and I really and truly enjoy it! I enjoy eating healthy food and I enjoy being active. It sure beats the heck outta sitting on the couch all day! In a weird way I love the pain from working out or running. When my muscles ache and hurt, it means the workout is working. It didn't hit me until just a few days ago that a workout is called a "workout" because, for me, I'm working out the stress and I'm working out years of supressed anger. When I run or when I exercise it serves as my therapy. If I'm upset, it makes me run that much harder. It makes me push myself.

So yeah, that's a small update! Stay on the lookout for a NEW BLOG soon about my brandnew Nike Running Shoes! :) They're A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!! :)

Chapter 30: Ghost of Chase Past

Well things are finally getting a little bit easier. I'm still stressed at work, but I'm really trying not to let it get to me. For those of you that read my very early blogs then you would have read something you may have just read over. It was in reference to my being an eating disorder sufferer. It started several years ago and has since been the cause of many problems that I have had. You may be wondering what I suffered from, well it started as binge eating, which is why I gained alot of weight, then it turned into bulimia then from there it grew into anorexia. I suffered from all three, at the same time. I would skip meals and only eat around 500 calories per day and then when I did eat, I would binge and then purge. It was a nightmare, but I couldn't stop. This went on for a while and I hid it extremely well. Not even my closest friends or family knew. Well one thing led to another and I ended up in the hospital because my body was beginning to "eat itself" from the words of my doctor. I got out, got better and maintained a healthy lifestyle. Now, keep in mind I was never 90lbs so it was really easy to hide, because I was a fat anorexic bulimic lol. Nobody had any idea.

I moved to Memphis in August of last year and I realized I had total control over my life...or so I thought. I started trying to lose weight again. I started working out and before I knew it I had slide back into the old rut and I had relapsed. I spent alot of my time in the bathroom or at Krystal eating as many little hamburgers as I could stuff in my mouth. I would then commence to go to an abandoned parking lot that I knew of and I would purge so that my roommate wouldn't know. This happened several times a week. I finally started going to therapy there on campus and it helped. I slowly started getting better and by the end of the semester I was once again back on a recovering track. This was around December, when I had my "medical scare" and it was then that I realized that I was only hurting my body and in order to lose weight I must do it the healthy way.

When I came back for Spring Semester it took every ounce of being that I had to fight off my EDs and to eat healthy and work out. Eating healthy was not really a big issue, but making sure I ate enough was. I went from eating 300-500 calories per day to 1500 calories per day. It was a big change. Many days I even found myself scrounging for food at the end of the day because I didn't have my calorie intake in. However, the more I worked out and ate healthy, the more weight I dropped. I realized I was finally doing it, and I felt great in the process.

The reason I'm writing this now is because for the past few days it seems everywhere I look something about Eating Disorders is popping up. I got a magazine the other day and it talked about men with EDs...I got a newspaper today and there was an article about teenage anorexics. The scary part is that I'm worried I'll relapse again. I'm terrified that I'll end up down that same road. If you'd like to know more, in depth stuff I'll be happy to tell you, but it's a long story and I'll prob. have to make it into another chapter lol. I know it hurts my body, but it was the eurphoria I got from binging and purging, it was the feeling of being in control. With this new job and my family and financial problems I don't feel that I'm in control and that scares me. We'll see how it goes I guess...thanks for reading :)

Chapter 29: Extremely Overwhelmed

Well as you know, if you are a regular reader of my blogs, I have a new job working as a 911 Dispatcher in my county. Well today I finally cracked. I knew the job would be stressful but I didn't think it would be this bad. I had my trainer, a supervisor and my boss all in the room while I was trying to take calls and dispatch on the radio. They were letting me do it all by myself. Well for those of you that never listen to a police scanner, it's sometimes very difficult to understand them, therefore sometimes I couldn't tell who was calling in and what they were reporting. I started to get a little frustrated then the people around me just made it worse. They started quizzing me saying "Where are your officers?!...Make sure you know where they are!...Where is officer 404?!...Is 512 still on duty?...Where is he?...Ya gotta know this stuff...you gotta remember it!"

So I do what I always do when I'm under stress and pissed off...I got really quiet and all my answers were short and sweet. I didn't try to act like I maybe knew where the officer was I just blankly told them I didn't know. And keep in mind, this was about 30 minutes before my shift ended. As this was going on they were saying, "Aww, poor thing, he's so lost." and "Help him Janice, he don't know what he's doing...poor lil thang." This didn't make the situation better. I also have three computers that I have to keep track of and know what's going on with each one. I realized that if I make a mistake in telling an officer where to go, someone might die. Peoples' lives are in my hands when they call. They expect me to help them, and do it quickly. I can't do that.

I have no clue about some of the stuff that goes on and I feel so lost. I honestly felt like I was drowning today and they were all just standing around laughing at me as I splashed and gasped for breath. And today wasn't even that bad. I didn't take any emergency calls, but it was still alot going on at once. You have to be able to listen to the radio, to the phone, read the computer, and listen to the other dispatchers to know what's going on around you. I only have two ears and one brain. How can I listen to so many things at once and be able to actually comprehend each thing?

As I was leaving my boss said (while he laughed and patted me on the back), "Go home, get ya some whiskey, smoke a cigarette and relax. It ain't that bad." I just walked to the clock, clocked out, turned around and walked out the door without saying a word to anyone. Then my trainer followed me out as she was leaving too and she said, "Well honey I'll see ya Friday." So I turn around, somewhat joking yet serious at the same time, and said, "Maybe. Don't take it personal if i don't show up." Then of course she came over and played the mother figure saying all that, "Well it's hard and stressful, but it comes with time and experience. For a trainee you're doing a good job." Well that's just it, I don't have time nor experience, and you don't have time to spare when you're dealing with peoples' lives. I just nodded and got in my car.

Literally, as I was pulling out of my parking spot I could feel it...it was the dreaded "Stress Cry". Tears welled up and I made sure I was out of sight of the building and I let it roll. I cried for about a ten minute cry all the way home. I know that may sound sissy, but ya just gotta let it out sometimes and this was definately one of those times. I even had the lip quiver going haha.

So yeah, I'm sitting here typing this with a bottle of Tylenol PM and I'm gonna pop about three and go to bed. So my question to you: Do you think I'm wrong for being upset/stressed? If you were in my situation what would you do? I know, when I look on it a few months down the road it won't seem that terrible, but for the time being it's pretty bad. So let me know what you think. Thanks!

Chapter 28: 911, Migraine, & a Wedding

It's official, I've started taking calls at the 911 office, although as of now they are non-emergency, but I'm still taking calls, so I'm pretty excited :)

I haven't been running in a few days because I've been pretty sick. I had to shoot a wedding on Saturday then I stayed the night with my sister. For those of you that aren't aware, I worked for a professional photography studio for about three years then I started my own business. You should check out my website. I'll provide the link below.

So yeah I woke up Thursday morning with a terrible Migraine! I made it to work, and since I just sit there all day it works pretty good for me. I was so sick. Well I took my meds and the Migraine didn't seem to ease up any so I just figured it was too far along and that I just had to let it run it's course. Well it's now Monday and I STILL have it! It's not near as bad, but it's still there. I haven't been able to eat alot because of the nausea, so I'm worried about my poor metabolism lol. Anywho, I'm getting ready for work, and I'm gonna go to the park tonight and walk with my best friend so I'm hoping once this dang Migraine is gone, I can really jump back into running again. I miss it lol.

Well I'll see ya after work :)

My Photography Website

Chapter 27: Finally Home (Update)

Ok first off, I want to say thanks to everyone for the prayers and what not for my back...I feel much better. I think it was just a very badly pulled muscle, but I feel better now. MzzLily left a comment on my post but I accidently hit the reject button instead of accept :( So if you're reading this, I did get your comment and I appreciate it. I tried to go back and undo it, but once it happened I couldn't do anything :(

My back is doing better, so I'm back to running again. I'm home now for the summer and in a way I'm really excited and really scared all at the same time. I mean, this is the place that I got fat pretty much. It was the food here, and the lack of exercise that made me this way and now I'm back here. I'm hoping with my job this summer I'll stay busy and away from my house that way i'm not tempted to eat everything I see lol.

I just bought some Workout Mix CD's...I'm hoping they help. They seem really cool so I'm hoping I can listen to them while I run and it'll help inspire me haha.

I thought I should give you an update on the 5K this summer...as far as I know I am planning on doing it. It might possibly kill me and kick my butt in the process, but I really want to do it and once I start it, I WILL finish it. Whether I have to run or walk, I will finish. It's a 5K which is about 3.2 miles, so for me to run the entire thing would be a big accomplishment. I'm gonna start running more at the farm here versus on the treadmill that way I get used to hills and what not. The treadmill is flat and so it's fairly easy to run, but once you start running uphill it gets a little more difficult lol. But yeah, I'm pretty sure the marathon is the 4th of July at like 9am or something like that. I'll keep ya updated as it gets closer.

As all of you know I absolutely HATE weighing so I try not to do it very often lol; however, I came in last night from Memphis and after I put my stuff down and changed I stepped on the scale. I've lost around 40lbs of fat and I've gained about 6lbs of muscle since I've been lifting weights. I'm really excited because my clothes are starting to officially get big on me :) It's awesome lol!

Well I'll keep you guys posted with everything, but as for now I've got my tennis shoes on and my ipod in my pocket so I'm off to run. See ya! :)

Chapter 26: No Internet, Pulled Muscle...Oh What A Great Week! :(

Ok guys, so this past Friday I had to move out of the dorms; however, the church I go to here in Memphis needed me to stay around for a week for some performances that we have. So I've been staying with this lady that sings in the choir with me and she only has one computer, and it's in her bedroom. Therefore I only get to use it when I ask her, or when she's not at home. That's why I haven't written a new blog recently. I really hope you guys are still reading. I'll keep updating it once I'm at home (which will be Sunday night). I've already got a few blogs typed on my laptop and all I have to do is transfer them over when I get home.

News: My dad got me a job this summer working as a 911 Dispatcher. I'm pretty excited! I'll be taking 911 calls and basically doing the whole "911, what is your emergency?...Ma'am, please calm down and tell me your address..." thing Etc. etc. I hope it goes over well. It's really good money though :) It's like 10 bucks an hour and I'm working part-time anywhere between 24 and 32 hours per week. So, yeah I'm pretty pumped! :)

Also, I went to the gym yesterday and ran...alot! I ended up running 1.5 miles in less than 35 minutes, running..not walking! It was great. However, once I got home and I was in the shower I noticed my right arm/shoulder/shoulder blade/back on the right side is KILLING ME! It hurts so bad so I think I must've pulled something. I really hope this doesn't affect my workout routine, but please keep me in your prayers that this will heal quickly. I can barely lift my arm so it has to be the muscle. Well thanks for everything guys! And like I said, I'll keep posting over the summer! :) Thanks!

*I promise once I get home I'll give ya some really good blogs to read. Just give me some time to get settled in next week and get my head screwed back on and you'll have your old blogs back lol. :)

Chapter 25: Your Opinion?

Ok so I've realized that my workout routine is getting pretty competitive...running on the treadmill, riding the bike, and a little bit of weight training and that's it. So I wanted to ask you guys...what is your favorite exercise? It's getting very close to summer which means I'll be at home, which also means I won't necessarily have the gym everyday so I'm gonna start working out outside more. Anybody got any good pointers for some good outdoor workouts? Maybe your favorite workout? What about your favorite music to listen to while you workout? What's something that really pumps you up...? Leave me some comments and let me know :) Thanks!

Chapter 24: No Gym Time

I have a confession...I have only been to the gym once, for an hour, this past week.

I hate to use "Finals Week" as an excuse, but I've just been exhausted, running on a very limited amount of sleep, plus I've been studying and what not. As of now I'm working with about 8 hours of sleep total since Tuesday morning....not a good thing. However, that is still not an excuse to go. Classes are over now so I just need to buckle down and make myself go, even if I am exhausted. I went the other morning at 7:30 after pulling an all nighter in the library...that wore me out! I was already tired to begin with but after jogging/walking almost 2 miles I was out! I fell asleep multiple times during my Spanish Exam, however, I'm pretty much almost fluent so it wasn't too terrible. So I'm getting ready to head back to the library....I have rehearsal with my pianist tomorrow for my Voice Jury (aka. Voice Final) at 2pm and then I've got so much stuff to do before Monday. AHHHH!!!!

Chapter 23: End-Of-The-Semester Rush

Well it's that's time again. It's the end of the semester and here I am, in the library being distracted by Facebook, YouTube, and my blog...oh joy. I tend to do that alot, get distracted...it's my thing lol.

Yeah, so the end of the semester is upon me which means less time in the gym and more time in the library. It kinda sucks, but I'm aware that it's what I have to do in order to keep my grades up. Oh well...hopefully everything goes well.

I had to sing in my Voice Divisional this past Wednesday and I've been sick as a dog! It stinks! My allergies always seem to kick into overdrive whenever I have an important performance coming up. Plus I'm also singing a solo in a concert this Sunday for Chamber Choir.

So yeah, that's a quick update...look for more soon! :)

Chapter 22: Motivation On Empty

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being unhealthy. I'm tired of working out. I'm tired of dieting. I'm just tired.

I look at myself in the mirror and I can't tell I've lost any weight. I look at myself and I want to be skinny. I want to healthy, but it seems the one thing I want the most is the one thing that is the farthest away. I am determined and motivated to be thin, but it's taking alot longer and alot more work than I had anticipated. Sure I didn't get fat overnight and I won't get fit overnight either, but I'm just discouraged seeing as how it's so draining.

I was talking to one of my really good friends tonight and I was just down because I'm lacking motivation. And she said something to me that literally made my cry, but it inspired me. She said:
"Everyone struggles with body image and it's hard to get motivated and actually act on your desires of looking a certain way, but it's a battle worth fighting for and in the end, it's worth every broken sweat, every fast food meal skipped, every fruit eaten, all of that! It's all so worth it in the end! You will get through this! I SOO believe in you! And I WILL NOT let you fall! I promise! I've got you."
-Kimmy

As we were talking I said I'm just so tired of being the outcast. Overweight people are treated like we don't belong. We're in a world that wasn't made for us. The seats in the theatre are too small, the airplane seatbelts don't fit, the school desks aren't big enough, the roller coaster bars won't come down over our stomachs...we are just to big for everything. I was talking to a friend the other night and I told her that fat people are treated like we're disabled. People think we're incapable of doing things just because we're fat. I'm just tired of not fitting in. I'm tired of meeting new people and you can see in their face that the first thing they think of you is, "Wow...he's really fat." It's hard knowing that people automatically judge you before they even get to know you. It's just difficult living in a world where you feel like you don't belong.

I'm ready to change.

Chapter 21: I Am...

I am smart.
I am talented.
I am attractive.
I am funny.
I am nice.
I am kind.
I am friendly.
I am a Memphis Tiger.
I am loved.
I am a leader.
I am a student.
I am a singer.
I am a dancer.
I am an actor.
I am a friend.
I am a brother.
I am a son.
I am a cousin.
I am a grandson.
I am a role-model.
I am happy.
I am a 4-Her.
I am an inspiration.
I am strong.
I am a man.
I am heterosexual.
I am different.
I am joyful.
I am equal.
I am overweight.
I am fun.
I am a musician.
I am bilingual.
I am dedicated.
I am motivated.
I am a music major.
I am white.
I am an American.
I am a poet.
I am a writer.
I am a listener.
I am a Christian.
I am determined.
I am a choir member.
I am passionate.
I am successful.
I am.....

What are you?



*I think too many times we focus on all the bad stuff about one another or about ourselves. Why not focus on the good stuff for once? I challenge you to make a list of all your good attributes, or even just a list of things that others use to describe you. It really forces you to step back and see how others perceive you, or how you perceive yourself. See how many you can come up with. You might surprise yourself.

Chapter 20: Twitter

So it's official. I have a "Twitter" account...I'm not really sure what this is going to do, but I'll try to keep it updated atleast a few times a week, so if you're on Twitter check it out. Also, if you're on Facebook and would like to add me you can do so also. I'm under "Chase Ellis Ferrell" and my networks are Memphis TN and DeKalb County High School. Thanks guys!

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Chapter 19: Skipping the Gym

So it's official, I haven't been to the gym today and to be completely honest I don't feel so bad about it. I work out everyday and I work my butt off so I figured today would be my off day. I normally don't get to work out on Wednesday anyways because I'm so busy from about 8am to 10pm every Wednesday and the gym is closed by the time I have time to go. But today I had time and I didn't go. In a way I was upset with myself but then I realized, I'm working my butt off...literally. I should be allowed at least one day out of the week to let my muscles heal themselves. During my free-time I caught up with some homework, listened to some music, read some on my book, and I just took a thirty minute shower and it felt great. I'm actually looking forward to NOT going to the gym for the first time in about two weeks lol. It feels like a vacation today.

Last night on the bike I was at about an hour when I realized I needed to up my game. I took the level up to 15 which is the equivilant to riding up a hill, and I told myself I would do that for five minutes while staying above 12mph. It was so dang hard! It hurt my legs. It hurt my butt. It hurt my stomach. I felt it. I got to about 4 minutes and my legs were killing me. I felt like my muscles were going to jump out of my legs and go on strike. But I kept pushing myself. I was sweating gallons and I was focusing on keeping my breathing under control (I'm a classically trained singer so that's one thing I'm good at lol). I got to about thirty seconds away from my five minute marker and it seemed my legs were on fire. I was talking to myself and I actually had to make myself get angry and agressive inorder to get that last pump of adrenaline. I had my book, "Half-Assed", in front of me and I remembered I had placed my "Before" picture in there. I grabbed that book like it was a million dollars, rapidly searched through the paper back binding and creme colored pages until I found it. I held it up and looked at it. "Do you wanna be like that again?!" I repeated that in my head and before I knew it I was already at 5.10 minutes. I slowed down to 8mph and set the level on 5. I had done it. I had pushed myself. I realized that I was getting stronger, not only physically but mentally also. I was finding out what I could do, how far I could push myself, and what really motiviated me.