Chapter 29: Extremely Overwhelmed

Well as you know, if you are a regular reader of my blogs, I have a new job working as a 911 Dispatcher in my county. Well today I finally cracked. I knew the job would be stressful but I didn't think it would be this bad. I had my trainer, a supervisor and my boss all in the room while I was trying to take calls and dispatch on the radio. They were letting me do it all by myself. Well for those of you that never listen to a police scanner, it's sometimes very difficult to understand them, therefore sometimes I couldn't tell who was calling in and what they were reporting. I started to get a little frustrated then the people around me just made it worse. They started quizzing me saying "Where are your officers?!...Make sure you know where they are!...Where is officer 404?!...Is 512 still on duty?...Where is he?...Ya gotta know this stuff...you gotta remember it!"

So I do what I always do when I'm under stress and pissed off...I got really quiet and all my answers were short and sweet. I didn't try to act like I maybe knew where the officer was I just blankly told them I didn't know. And keep in mind, this was about 30 minutes before my shift ended. As this was going on they were saying, "Aww, poor thing, he's so lost." and "Help him Janice, he don't know what he's doing...poor lil thang." This didn't make the situation better. I also have three computers that I have to keep track of and know what's going on with each one. I realized that if I make a mistake in telling an officer where to go, someone might die. Peoples' lives are in my hands when they call. They expect me to help them, and do it quickly. I can't do that.

I have no clue about some of the stuff that goes on and I feel so lost. I honestly felt like I was drowning today and they were all just standing around laughing at me as I splashed and gasped for breath. And today wasn't even that bad. I didn't take any emergency calls, but it was still alot going on at once. You have to be able to listen to the radio, to the phone, read the computer, and listen to the other dispatchers to know what's going on around you. I only have two ears and one brain. How can I listen to so many things at once and be able to actually comprehend each thing?

As I was leaving my boss said (while he laughed and patted me on the back), "Go home, get ya some whiskey, smoke a cigarette and relax. It ain't that bad." I just walked to the clock, clocked out, turned around and walked out the door without saying a word to anyone. Then my trainer followed me out as she was leaving too and she said, "Well honey I'll see ya Friday." So I turn around, somewhat joking yet serious at the same time, and said, "Maybe. Don't take it personal if i don't show up." Then of course she came over and played the mother figure saying all that, "Well it's hard and stressful, but it comes with time and experience. For a trainee you're doing a good job." Well that's just it, I don't have time nor experience, and you don't have time to spare when you're dealing with peoples' lives. I just nodded and got in my car.

Literally, as I was pulling out of my parking spot I could feel it...it was the dreaded "Stress Cry". Tears welled up and I made sure I was out of sight of the building and I let it roll. I cried for about a ten minute cry all the way home. I know that may sound sissy, but ya just gotta let it out sometimes and this was definately one of those times. I even had the lip quiver going haha.

So yeah, I'm sitting here typing this with a bottle of Tylenol PM and I'm gonna pop about three and go to bed. So my question to you: Do you think I'm wrong for being upset/stressed? If you were in my situation what would you do? I know, when I look on it a few months down the road it won't seem that terrible, but for the time being it's pretty bad. So let me know what you think. Thanks!