Well I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I'm going to change my major at school.
It's not that I don't enjoy my current major (Vocal Music Performance) but it's just that I never wanted singing to be a "chore". I don't enjoy singing like I did, and I often find myself dreading going to choir or anything like that. It's difficult to keep going when the one thing that you've done since you were two is the one thing that's turning against you.
I've been doing a lot of research and really thinking about this. I decided that I have two to three options if I do decide to change my major:
1. African American Studies
2. Spanish
3. Dietetics
Those are my top three choices right now. All three of them would be something I would love doing and I could get great jobs in all three fields. They are, however, in no particular order. The one I am leaning towards the most as of now would be option number three. Dietetics is basically diets, nutrition, fitness, etc. etc. I could get a job working as a Dietitian in hospitals, gyms, or even school systems. I could also work with overweight people and help them to lose weight. I also thought that doing this might be the great motivation I need to really kick start my weightloss back into gear and just shed the rest of these lbs off like butter! I mean who's gonna listen to a fat nutritionist?! lol...so I have to lose weight if I'm going to do this. And think about this, when I do lose the weight if I have a degree as a Dietetics Person Thingy then I can tell others about my story and maybe help someone who is in my shoes. I mean, I am in no way skinny, but I hope to change that within the next 9 months.
Well, let me know what you think. I would love your advice! :)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Chapter 32: Where Oh Where Has My Motivation Gone?!
It's happened...I've lost my motivation :(
I'm trying to get it back, but when you lose motivation it's like attempting to hang onto a car as it dangles off a cliff....there's no point in even trying because you know it's going to fall. I'm not strong enough to hold onto my motivation.
The past few days have been fine, but it's like since I haven't been in the gym and I've been doing all my workouts outside, I've just lost it. I haven't gained any weight, but I've only lost 3lbs since I've been home...I should been down to atleast a 10lb weight loss at this point in the summer. I'm not sure what to do. I can make myself go but it's soooooo much harder when I don't have the motivation.
I've been thinking and I believe the one sure thing that will kick my motivation back into gear is to watch a few episodes of The Biggest Loser. I still have them all on my computer/ipod so I think I'll just have to sit down and watch a couple. I'm really hoping and praying that doing that will help to motivate me. I really want to lose another 20lbs before I go back in August...and now it's coming down to the last month of summer, so I've really got to buckle down if I'm gonna do it.
I will lose 100lbs by March so I really need to just focus and take it. I have to convince myself that the pain is a good thing. I have to convince myself that I will NOT give up. I have to convince myself that I'm changing my life. I have to convince myself that I'm getting healthy. I have to convince myself that I will not stop. I have to convince myself that I'm living. I have to.
I'm trying to get it back, but when you lose motivation it's like attempting to hang onto a car as it dangles off a cliff....there's no point in even trying because you know it's going to fall. I'm not strong enough to hold onto my motivation.
The past few days have been fine, but it's like since I haven't been in the gym and I've been doing all my workouts outside, I've just lost it. I haven't gained any weight, but I've only lost 3lbs since I've been home...I should been down to atleast a 10lb weight loss at this point in the summer. I'm not sure what to do. I can make myself go but it's soooooo much harder when I don't have the motivation.
I've been thinking and I believe the one sure thing that will kick my motivation back into gear is to watch a few episodes of The Biggest Loser. I still have them all on my computer/ipod so I think I'll just have to sit down and watch a couple. I'm really hoping and praying that doing that will help to motivate me. I really want to lose another 20lbs before I go back in August...and now it's coming down to the last month of summer, so I've really got to buckle down if I'm gonna do it.
I will lose 100lbs by March so I really need to just focus and take it. I have to convince myself that the pain is a good thing. I have to convince myself that I will NOT give up. I have to convince myself that I'm changing my life. I have to convince myself that I'm getting healthy. I have to convince myself that I will not stop. I have to convince myself that I'm living. I have to.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Chapter 31: 5K @ 7am = Sore Muscles, Great Wakeup!
Well I woke up this morning and decided to join a friend of mine from church on a 5K trail. It was painful lol! I was sore during and after the trail, but I felt really good because I am actually able to jog/walk a 5K in under an hour. I was pretty darn excited about that!
While we were walking at around 7:30 this morning we were just listening to the birds, and looking at God's amazing creation! It was astounding! I got to thinking about how there are so many overweight, unhappy people that are physically unable to get out and walk or exercise and that breaks my heart. My mother was one of those people, which is why she had weight loss surgery, but to see people that are so unhappy in his or her own body and know that they can't do a thing about it is extremely sad. I used to think that I couldn't run or exercise because I was to fat, but the truth of the matter was that I was simply to LAZY to run or exercise. I didn't want to take time out to save my life. I was too lazy to live.
Now, even though I'm not thin, I'm healthier and I'm much more active...and I really and truly enjoy it! I enjoy eating healthy food and I enjoy being active. It sure beats the heck outta sitting on the couch all day! In a weird way I love the pain from working out or running. When my muscles ache and hurt, it means the workout is working. It didn't hit me until just a few days ago that a workout is called a "workout" because, for me, I'm working out the stress and I'm working out years of supressed anger. When I run or when I exercise it serves as my therapy. If I'm upset, it makes me run that much harder. It makes me push myself.
So yeah, that's a small update! Stay on the lookout for a NEW BLOG soon about my brandnew Nike Running Shoes! :) They're A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!! :)
While we were walking at around 7:30 this morning we were just listening to the birds, and looking at God's amazing creation! It was astounding! I got to thinking about how there are so many overweight, unhappy people that are physically unable to get out and walk or exercise and that breaks my heart. My mother was one of those people, which is why she had weight loss surgery, but to see people that are so unhappy in his or her own body and know that they can't do a thing about it is extremely sad. I used to think that I couldn't run or exercise because I was to fat, but the truth of the matter was that I was simply to LAZY to run or exercise. I didn't want to take time out to save my life. I was too lazy to live.
Now, even though I'm not thin, I'm healthier and I'm much more active...and I really and truly enjoy it! I enjoy eating healthy food and I enjoy being active. It sure beats the heck outta sitting on the couch all day! In a weird way I love the pain from working out or running. When my muscles ache and hurt, it means the workout is working. It didn't hit me until just a few days ago that a workout is called a "workout" because, for me, I'm working out the stress and I'm working out years of supressed anger. When I run or when I exercise it serves as my therapy. If I'm upset, it makes me run that much harder. It makes me push myself.
So yeah, that's a small update! Stay on the lookout for a NEW BLOG soon about my brandnew Nike Running Shoes! :) They're A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!! :)
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Chapter 30: Ghost of Chase Past
Well things are finally getting a little bit easier. I'm still stressed at work, but I'm really trying not to let it get to me. For those of you that read my very early blogs then you would have read something you may have just read over. It was in reference to my being an eating disorder sufferer. It started several years ago and has since been the cause of many problems that I have had. You may be wondering what I suffered from, well it started as binge eating, which is why I gained alot of weight, then it turned into bulimia then from there it grew into anorexia. I suffered from all three, at the same time. I would skip meals and only eat around 500 calories per day and then when I did eat, I would binge and then purge. It was a nightmare, but I couldn't stop. This went on for a while and I hid it extremely well. Not even my closest friends or family knew. Well one thing led to another and I ended up in the hospital because my body was beginning to "eat itself" from the words of my doctor. I got out, got better and maintained a healthy lifestyle. Now, keep in mind I was never 90lbs so it was really easy to hide, because I was a fat anorexic bulimic lol. Nobody had any idea.
I moved to Memphis in August of last year and I realized I had total control over my life...or so I thought. I started trying to lose weight again. I started working out and before I knew it I had slide back into the old rut and I had relapsed. I spent alot of my time in the bathroom or at Krystal eating as many little hamburgers as I could stuff in my mouth. I would then commence to go to an abandoned parking lot that I knew of and I would purge so that my roommate wouldn't know. This happened several times a week. I finally started going to therapy there on campus and it helped. I slowly started getting better and by the end of the semester I was once again back on a recovering track. This was around December, when I had my "medical scare" and it was then that I realized that I was only hurting my body and in order to lose weight I must do it the healthy way.
When I came back for Spring Semester it took every ounce of being that I had to fight off my EDs and to eat healthy and work out. Eating healthy was not really a big issue, but making sure I ate enough was. I went from eating 300-500 calories per day to 1500 calories per day. It was a big change. Many days I even found myself scrounging for food at the end of the day because I didn't have my calorie intake in. However, the more I worked out and ate healthy, the more weight I dropped. I realized I was finally doing it, and I felt great in the process.
The reason I'm writing this now is because for the past few days it seems everywhere I look something about Eating Disorders is popping up. I got a magazine the other day and it talked about men with EDs...I got a newspaper today and there was an article about teenage anorexics. The scary part is that I'm worried I'll relapse again. I'm terrified that I'll end up down that same road. If you'd like to know more, in depth stuff I'll be happy to tell you, but it's a long story and I'll prob. have to make it into another chapter lol. I know it hurts my body, but it was the eurphoria I got from binging and purging, it was the feeling of being in control. With this new job and my family and financial problems I don't feel that I'm in control and that scares me. We'll see how it goes I guess...thanks for reading :)
I moved to Memphis in August of last year and I realized I had total control over my life...or so I thought. I started trying to lose weight again. I started working out and before I knew it I had slide back into the old rut and I had relapsed. I spent alot of my time in the bathroom or at Krystal eating as many little hamburgers as I could stuff in my mouth. I would then commence to go to an abandoned parking lot that I knew of and I would purge so that my roommate wouldn't know. This happened several times a week. I finally started going to therapy there on campus and it helped. I slowly started getting better and by the end of the semester I was once again back on a recovering track. This was around December, when I had my "medical scare" and it was then that I realized that I was only hurting my body and in order to lose weight I must do it the healthy way.
When I came back for Spring Semester it took every ounce of being that I had to fight off my EDs and to eat healthy and work out. Eating healthy was not really a big issue, but making sure I ate enough was. I went from eating 300-500 calories per day to 1500 calories per day. It was a big change. Many days I even found myself scrounging for food at the end of the day because I didn't have my calorie intake in. However, the more I worked out and ate healthy, the more weight I dropped. I realized I was finally doing it, and I felt great in the process.
The reason I'm writing this now is because for the past few days it seems everywhere I look something about Eating Disorders is popping up. I got a magazine the other day and it talked about men with EDs...I got a newspaper today and there was an article about teenage anorexics. The scary part is that I'm worried I'll relapse again. I'm terrified that I'll end up down that same road. If you'd like to know more, in depth stuff I'll be happy to tell you, but it's a long story and I'll prob. have to make it into another chapter lol. I know it hurts my body, but it was the eurphoria I got from binging and purging, it was the feeling of being in control. With this new job and my family and financial problems I don't feel that I'm in control and that scares me. We'll see how it goes I guess...thanks for reading :)
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