Well, sadly, I have to report that I have stopped P90X, although I am desperately searching for the motivation to start it again...I just haven't found it yet. It started when I went home for Fall Break. I was working again so when I got in it was late and I was really tired so I took some sleeping pills and went to bed. So I had skipped my first day. Well one thing led to another, and now I haven't done it in a week :( I feel terrible.
Something else that really worries me, and it worries me so much that I almost wasn't going to mention it in this post is that I think I've relapsed. If you don't know what I'm talking about then skip down to Chapter 30 and it will update you.
I've really been struggling with it for about two weeks now. I've been doing pretty good about fighting it off, but now the compulsive binging has started. Although the purging hasn't began yet, and the starving hasn't happened, the binging has and that's just as bad. The other night I have 2 Double Cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a large sweet tea from McDonalds. I ate it about 30 minutes before I went to bed. It's terrible, and I feel disgusted. All my life, someone else has always been in control for me, but I finally found that I can now control what I eat and how I eat it. So I tend to punish myself with food, but then I also turn around and reward myself with it. Tonight, I went to dinner with some friends and I had a burger and fries from a restaurant then we went to Ben & Jerry's afterwards and I got a Brownie Sundae with Cookies and Creme Ice-Cream, knowing good and freakin' well that I DIDN'T need it. I went to the bathroom afterwards and had to fight the urge to purge. It was a very difficult battle but I won. I left the little shop feeling bloated and as huge as a damn elephant. I was very disappointed in myself. Plus I've also logged back onto an old website I used to go to everyday. It's a "Thinspiration" website for guys with Eating Disorders. It's a very unhealthy website because it basicly teaches you how to become a better Anorexic/Bulimic/Compulsive Over Eater/Etc. and then they are constantly bombarding you with pictures of thin guys and motivation to get thin. Things like "Snack on celery and water all day instead of eating" and "If you feel the urge to vomit, drink a glass of water then purge. The water will fill up your stomach then bring up whatever else is down there." People that have never experienced an Eating Disorder will never understand what it's like. It's a drug to me. I need my drug.
One of my best friends has been with me through this and she has been supporting me and trying to help me. She's experienced all this herself so she's trying to keep me away from a terrible relapse. I love her to death, but I don't think I have the strength to hold out.
Plus, I'm finally dealing with the death of one of my best friends so I haven't been getting much sleep (because I dream about him all the time, hence the sleeping pills) and I struggle to eat and when I do, I over-do it. I'm also scared of the gym because I developed compulsive workouts before so I don't want that that start up either. So yeah, that's an update. I've got to get back in the gym because I'm slipping into old ways. Please keep me in your prayers guys! I love the support and I love you guys!!! :)
Oh, and by the way, I signed up a week ago to run in the "Race for a Cure" for Breast Cancer. It's October 31 at 8am...so that should be interesting :( I get a shirt and everything and I've decided to run for my grandmother, who is a Breast Cancer survivor! :) I'm really excited about the 5K but we'll see how it's counteracts with my ED... :(
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Chapter 47: I'm...Going...To...Die...
It's official, I'm gonna die...
One of my friends suggested a workout program so I took his advice and started on Monday....What workout program you ask?....*drumroll* P90X! If you haven't heard of it, google that junk! It's intense. I just found out today that the X is for Extreme lol...and let me tell ya, it is!
In short, it's a 90 Day very intense workout routine. Everyday from Day 1 to Day 90 you use the 12 DVDs that you are provided with to lose weight, burn fat and build muscle. I'm on Day 3 and I'm already sore lol. Monday night was all about the chest and back, so it was alot of pullups and pushups. Well, being big I can't really do them that well, but I was able to do assisted pullups using a chair and one leg, and I did as many pushups as I could. I barely got through the warmup and then the real thing started. I could feel the burn even as we warmed up. But I knew the results would be worth it. I was thinking, "This is it...this is the day I kill over here in my room and die. Nobody will find me for a week and I'll just be lying here, dead...from this damn workout!" lol. No, there's no magic pill that comes with the program, it's just a workout ROUTINE, which means I'm still working out. And the cool thing is that I can no longer use the excuse, "I don't have time to go to the gym", because this is done in the safety and privacy of my own room lol. No excuses! :)
So from here on out P90X will be going hand in hand with my regular gym visits and healthy eating. Hey, it's still working out! lol. I was getting bored of the same thing over and over so this is a good change for me. I think this is what I needed. As to Chapter 46, I've still got alot of stuff going on and I'm still very, very stressed but there's just something about working out that makes one feel great. Last night was Plyometrics, which is basically a lot of jumping exercise as well as tons of squats and lunges. The workout only lasts for an hour, but that hour is more intense than most workouts I've ever done lol. I guess you could compare P90X to some of The Biggest Loser workouts on the show. It's freakin' hardcore! I'm also taking One-A-Day vitamins as well as B-12 and I'm drinking The Biggest Loser All Natural Whey Protein Mix. You wouldn't believe how much water I've been drinking since I started this lol, well over my required amount per day I'm sure haha.
I woke up this morning and couldn't even sit up, I had to literally roll over and out of bed haha. But at the same time I had a huge smile on my face (through the gritting of teeth) because I knew I had found something that is working. "Pain is temporary; Pride lasts forever."
I was talking to some of my friends today before class and I told them I could barely walk because my thighs hurt so bad lol. But the way I see it, if I wasn't sore after doing such an intense workout then something must be wrong. So the fact that I'm sore means I'm doing it right lol. Being sore means getting results. Everyone I've talked to has told me to just get past week one and stick with it. "Week 1 is the hardest. Keep going through Week 2 and 3 and you'll be fine. Don't let Week 1 get ya!", was some very good advice a P90X graduate gave me the other day. So I'm determined to do this. My 90 days will be over on January 10...so we'll see how it goes lol. I'll keep ya posted! :)
One of my friends suggested a workout program so I took his advice and started on Monday....What workout program you ask?....*drumroll* P90X! If you haven't heard of it, google that junk! It's intense. I just found out today that the X is for Extreme lol...and let me tell ya, it is!
In short, it's a 90 Day very intense workout routine. Everyday from Day 1 to Day 90 you use the 12 DVDs that you are provided with to lose weight, burn fat and build muscle. I'm on Day 3 and I'm already sore lol. Monday night was all about the chest and back, so it was alot of pullups and pushups. Well, being big I can't really do them that well, but I was able to do assisted pullups using a chair and one leg, and I did as many pushups as I could. I barely got through the warmup and then the real thing started. I could feel the burn even as we warmed up. But I knew the results would be worth it. I was thinking, "This is it...this is the day I kill over here in my room and die. Nobody will find me for a week and I'll just be lying here, dead...from this damn workout!" lol. No, there's no magic pill that comes with the program, it's just a workout ROUTINE, which means I'm still working out. And the cool thing is that I can no longer use the excuse, "I don't have time to go to the gym", because this is done in the safety and privacy of my own room lol. No excuses! :)
So from here on out P90X will be going hand in hand with my regular gym visits and healthy eating. Hey, it's still working out! lol. I was getting bored of the same thing over and over so this is a good change for me. I think this is what I needed. As to Chapter 46, I've still got alot of stuff going on and I'm still very, very stressed but there's just something about working out that makes one feel great. Last night was Plyometrics, which is basically a lot of jumping exercise as well as tons of squats and lunges. The workout only lasts for an hour, but that hour is more intense than most workouts I've ever done lol. I guess you could compare P90X to some of The Biggest Loser workouts on the show. It's freakin' hardcore! I'm also taking One-A-Day vitamins as well as B-12 and I'm drinking The Biggest Loser All Natural Whey Protein Mix. You wouldn't believe how much water I've been drinking since I started this lol, well over my required amount per day I'm sure haha.
I woke up this morning and couldn't even sit up, I had to literally roll over and out of bed haha. But at the same time I had a huge smile on my face (through the gritting of teeth) because I knew I had found something that is working. "Pain is temporary; Pride lasts forever."
I was talking to some of my friends today before class and I told them I could barely walk because my thighs hurt so bad lol. But the way I see it, if I wasn't sore after doing such an intense workout then something must be wrong. So the fact that I'm sore means I'm doing it right lol. Being sore means getting results. Everyone I've talked to has told me to just get past week one and stick with it. "Week 1 is the hardest. Keep going through Week 2 and 3 and you'll be fine. Don't let Week 1 get ya!", was some very good advice a P90X graduate gave me the other day. So I'm determined to do this. My 90 days will be over on January 10...so we'll see how it goes lol. I'll keep ya posted! :)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Chapter 46: Ugh...
This past week has been sooooo busy for me that I haven't been to the gym at all :( I feel terrible, both physically and mentally. I just wanna crawl under a rock somewhere and hide. I'm also a little homesick. I'm having trouble in my classes (failing one and completely lost in the other). My job is stressing me out hardcore, I'm having financial problems ($300 overdrawn and $5 in my pocket), I don't have the strength/energy to even go to the gym when I do have time, and I'm just exhausted. I can't keep food down, and I've lost my appetite. I'm having trouble sleeping also so I'm averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I keep dreaming about one of my best friends that passed away Dec. 7, 2006 so it's just really hard for me to sleep. I've resorted to sleeping pills and I know they're not good for you. I'm literally pushing myself at this point with all that I have left because Fall Break is next Friday so I keep telling myself if I can just make it through the rest of this week and next week, I'll be fine. I just need a break.
I was in Algebra today and had to get up and leave. She was working on the overhead and I started having trouble breathing, my chest was hurting, and I started sweating. My stomach was turning like crazy and my hands started shaking. I got a really bad headache and everything she wrote on the board seemed to be spinning. I was overwhelmed. I literally grabbed my stuff and ran out of the room. I'm sure the professor and other students were wondering what in the world was going on, but I didn't care. I've been wearing sunglasses all day b/c my eyes are dark and droopy. I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional/mental/physical breakdown. I'm having constant family issues and other problems that I can't talk about to anyone, so that sucks.
I'm not writing this blog so that you'll feel sorry for me or anything, I just want to ask for your prayers and I also needed to vent to someone. I feel like everything keeps boiling up. I was on the verge of tears all day today but I suck it up and go on. I keep telling myself that there are other people worse off than me so I need to just make myself get up and go. And as for now, that's exactly what I'm doing. So yeah, that's an update for this week....
I was in Algebra today and had to get up and leave. She was working on the overhead and I started having trouble breathing, my chest was hurting, and I started sweating. My stomach was turning like crazy and my hands started shaking. I got a really bad headache and everything she wrote on the board seemed to be spinning. I was overwhelmed. I literally grabbed my stuff and ran out of the room. I'm sure the professor and other students were wondering what in the world was going on, but I didn't care. I've been wearing sunglasses all day b/c my eyes are dark and droopy. I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional/mental/physical breakdown. I'm having constant family issues and other problems that I can't talk about to anyone, so that sucks.
I'm not writing this blog so that you'll feel sorry for me or anything, I just want to ask for your prayers and I also needed to vent to someone. I feel like everything keeps boiling up. I was on the verge of tears all day today but I suck it up and go on. I keep telling myself that there are other people worse off than me so I need to just make myself get up and go. And as for now, that's exactly what I'm doing. So yeah, that's an update for this week....
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