Chapter 48: Ghost Of Chase Past Has Returned (and another 5K)

Well, sadly, I have to report that I have stopped P90X, although I am desperately searching for the motivation to start it again...I just haven't found it yet. It started when I went home for Fall Break. I was working again so when I got in it was late and I was really tired so I took some sleeping pills and went to bed. So I had skipped my first day. Well one thing led to another, and now I haven't done it in a week :( I feel terrible.

Something else that really worries me, and it worries me so much that I almost wasn't going to mention it in this post is that I think I've relapsed. If you don't know what I'm talking about then skip down to Chapter 30 and it will update you.

I've really been struggling with it for about two weeks now. I've been doing pretty good about fighting it off, but now the compulsive binging has started. Although the purging hasn't began yet, and the starving hasn't happened, the binging has and that's just as bad. The other night I have 2 Double Cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a large sweet tea from McDonalds. I ate it about 30 minutes before I went to bed. It's terrible, and I feel disgusted. All my life, someone else has always been in control for me, but I finally found that I can now control what I eat and how I eat it. So I tend to punish myself with food, but then I also turn around and reward myself with it. Tonight, I went to dinner with some friends and I had a burger and fries from a restaurant then we went to Ben & Jerry's afterwards and I got a Brownie Sundae with Cookies and Creme Ice-Cream, knowing good and freakin' well that I DIDN'T need it. I went to the bathroom afterwards and had to fight the urge to purge. It was a very difficult battle but I won. I left the little shop feeling bloated and as huge as a damn elephant. I was very disappointed in myself. Plus I've also logged back onto an old website I used to go to everyday. It's a "Thinspiration" website for guys with Eating Disorders. It's a very unhealthy website because it basicly teaches you how to become a better Anorexic/Bulimic/Compulsive Over Eater/Etc. and then they are constantly bombarding you with pictures of thin guys and motivation to get thin. Things like "Snack on celery and water all day instead of eating" and "If you feel the urge to vomit, drink a glass of water then purge. The water will fill up your stomach then bring up whatever else is down there." People that have never experienced an Eating Disorder will never understand what it's like. It's a drug to me. I need my drug.

One of my best friends has been with me through this and she has been supporting me and trying to help me. She's experienced all this herself so she's trying to keep me away from a terrible relapse. I love her to death, but I don't think I have the strength to hold out.

Plus, I'm finally dealing with the death of one of my best friends so I haven't been getting much sleep (because I dream about him all the time, hence the sleeping pills) and I struggle to eat and when I do, I over-do it. I'm also scared of the gym because I developed compulsive workouts before so I don't want that that start up either. So yeah, that's an update. I've got to get back in the gym because I'm slipping into old ways. Please keep me in your prayers guys! I love the support and I love you guys!!! :)

Oh, and by the way, I signed up a week ago to run in the "Race for a Cure" for Breast Cancer. It's October 31 at 8am...so that should be interesting :( I get a shirt and everything and I've decided to run for my grandmother, who is a Breast Cancer survivor! :) I'm really excited about the 5K but we'll see how it's counteracts with my ED... :(