Chapter 24: No Gym Time

I have a confession...I have only been to the gym once, for an hour, this past week.

I hate to use "Finals Week" as an excuse, but I've just been exhausted, running on a very limited amount of sleep, plus I've been studying and what not. As of now I'm working with about 8 hours of sleep total since Tuesday morning....not a good thing. However, that is still not an excuse to go. Classes are over now so I just need to buckle down and make myself go, even if I am exhausted. I went the other morning at 7:30 after pulling an all nighter in the library...that wore me out! I was already tired to begin with but after jogging/walking almost 2 miles I was out! I fell asleep multiple times during my Spanish Exam, however, I'm pretty much almost fluent so it wasn't too terrible. So I'm getting ready to head back to the library....I have rehearsal with my pianist tomorrow for my Voice Jury (aka. Voice Final) at 2pm and then I've got so much stuff to do before Monday. AHHHH!!!!

Chapter 23: End-Of-The-Semester Rush

Well it's that's time again. It's the end of the semester and here I am, in the library being distracted by Facebook, YouTube, and my blog...oh joy. I tend to do that alot, get distracted...it's my thing lol.

Yeah, so the end of the semester is upon me which means less time in the gym and more time in the library. It kinda sucks, but I'm aware that it's what I have to do in order to keep my grades up. Oh well...hopefully everything goes well.

I had to sing in my Voice Divisional this past Wednesday and I've been sick as a dog! It stinks! My allergies always seem to kick into overdrive whenever I have an important performance coming up. Plus I'm also singing a solo in a concert this Sunday for Chamber Choir.

So yeah, that's a quick update...look for more soon! :)

Chapter 22: Motivation On Empty

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being unhealthy. I'm tired of working out. I'm tired of dieting. I'm just tired.

I look at myself in the mirror and I can't tell I've lost any weight. I look at myself and I want to be skinny. I want to healthy, but it seems the one thing I want the most is the one thing that is the farthest away. I am determined and motivated to be thin, but it's taking alot longer and alot more work than I had anticipated. Sure I didn't get fat overnight and I won't get fit overnight either, but I'm just discouraged seeing as how it's so draining.

I was talking to one of my really good friends tonight and I was just down because I'm lacking motivation. And she said something to me that literally made my cry, but it inspired me. She said:
"Everyone struggles with body image and it's hard to get motivated and actually act on your desires of looking a certain way, but it's a battle worth fighting for and in the end, it's worth every broken sweat, every fast food meal skipped, every fruit eaten, all of that! It's all so worth it in the end! You will get through this! I SOO believe in you! And I WILL NOT let you fall! I promise! I've got you."
-Kimmy

As we were talking I said I'm just so tired of being the outcast. Overweight people are treated like we don't belong. We're in a world that wasn't made for us. The seats in the theatre are too small, the airplane seatbelts don't fit, the school desks aren't big enough, the roller coaster bars won't come down over our stomachs...we are just to big for everything. I was talking to a friend the other night and I told her that fat people are treated like we're disabled. People think we're incapable of doing things just because we're fat. I'm just tired of not fitting in. I'm tired of meeting new people and you can see in their face that the first thing they think of you is, "Wow...he's really fat." It's hard knowing that people automatically judge you before they even get to know you. It's just difficult living in a world where you feel like you don't belong.

I'm ready to change.

Chapter 21: I Am...

I am smart.
I am talented.
I am attractive.
I am funny.
I am nice.
I am kind.
I am friendly.
I am a Memphis Tiger.
I am loved.
I am a leader.
I am a student.
I am a singer.
I am a dancer.
I am an actor.
I am a friend.
I am a brother.
I am a son.
I am a cousin.
I am a grandson.
I am a role-model.
I am happy.
I am a 4-Her.
I am an inspiration.
I am strong.
I am a man.
I am heterosexual.
I am different.
I am joyful.
I am equal.
I am overweight.
I am fun.
I am a musician.
I am bilingual.
I am dedicated.
I am motivated.
I am a music major.
I am white.
I am an American.
I am a poet.
I am a writer.
I am a listener.
I am a Christian.
I am determined.
I am a choir member.
I am passionate.
I am successful.
I am.....

What are you?



*I think too many times we focus on all the bad stuff about one another or about ourselves. Why not focus on the good stuff for once? I challenge you to make a list of all your good attributes, or even just a list of things that others use to describe you. It really forces you to step back and see how others perceive you, or how you perceive yourself. See how many you can come up with. You might surprise yourself.

Chapter 20: Twitter

So it's official. I have a "Twitter" account...I'm not really sure what this is going to do, but I'll try to keep it updated atleast a few times a week, so if you're on Twitter check it out. Also, if you're on Facebook and would like to add me you can do so also. I'm under "Chase Ellis Ferrell" and my networks are Memphis TN and DeKalb County High School. Thanks guys!

Twitter Page

Chapter 19: Skipping the Gym

So it's official, I haven't been to the gym today and to be completely honest I don't feel so bad about it. I work out everyday and I work my butt off so I figured today would be my off day. I normally don't get to work out on Wednesday anyways because I'm so busy from about 8am to 10pm every Wednesday and the gym is closed by the time I have time to go. But today I had time and I didn't go. In a way I was upset with myself but then I realized, I'm working my butt off...literally. I should be allowed at least one day out of the week to let my muscles heal themselves. During my free-time I caught up with some homework, listened to some music, read some on my book, and I just took a thirty minute shower and it felt great. I'm actually looking forward to NOT going to the gym for the first time in about two weeks lol. It feels like a vacation today.

Last night on the bike I was at about an hour when I realized I needed to up my game. I took the level up to 15 which is the equivilant to riding up a hill, and I told myself I would do that for five minutes while staying above 12mph. It was so dang hard! It hurt my legs. It hurt my butt. It hurt my stomach. I felt it. I got to about 4 minutes and my legs were killing me. I felt like my muscles were going to jump out of my legs and go on strike. But I kept pushing myself. I was sweating gallons and I was focusing on keeping my breathing under control (I'm a classically trained singer so that's one thing I'm good at lol). I got to about thirty seconds away from my five minute marker and it seemed my legs were on fire. I was talking to myself and I actually had to make myself get angry and agressive inorder to get that last pump of adrenaline. I had my book, "Half-Assed", in front of me and I remembered I had placed my "Before" picture in there. I grabbed that book like it was a million dollars, rapidly searched through the paper back binding and creme colored pages until I found it. I held it up and looked at it. "Do you wanna be like that again?!" I repeated that in my head and before I knew it I was already at 5.10 minutes. I slowed down to 8mph and set the level on 5. I had done it. I had pushed myself. I realized that I was getting stronger, not only physically but mentally also. I was finding out what I could do, how far I could push myself, and what really motiviated me.

Chapter 18: I AM The Biggest Loser

Ok so if it's not obvious enough I'm a huge BL fan! I've seen every episode this season and I own the entire season on my iPod. I don't own a TV in my dorm room so the only place for me to watch the BL (other than a friends' room) is at the gym. The treadmills have TVs on them so that's my main excuse to go to the gym every Tuesday lol. But I've realized once I go to the gym on Tuesday it's so much easier to go everyday after that. It just gets me in the mood to work out lol. Tuesday is pretty much the first day of the week for me.

While I watch the BL it really motivates me and encourages me to push through the pain and reach my limits. I never watch the show unless I'm at the gym. I honestly think I've seen every episode this season atleast three times haha. Watching the show while I workout honestly does something for me. It's like when I hear Bob or Jillian yelling at the contestants to "Go!" or "Push!" it really makes me work even harder. There was one day in particular that I was jogging (and I normally don't jog, at least not a month ago when this happened) and I got really tired and decided to stop when suddenly, out of my iPod came the great voice of Jillian. She was yelling at Aubrey telling her to push. She was reminding her that her family needed her and her friends need her...my heart skipped a few beats because for a split second I actually felt like Jillian was there with me, standing infront of my treadmill screaming in my face. I jogged until a commercial came on lol.

Watching the BL this season has really changed my life. I feel like I'm there with the contestants, getting healthy with them. It's amazing! One of my favorite episodes is towards the beginning when the teams are going across the river in these little tiny boats with peddles. Once they get to the other side, they race up a mountain in order to gain imunity. Tara wins, of course, but the part that stood out to me was when Dan was climbing the mountain. His other teams mates went down to help him. As they were pushing him and encouraging him Mike looked at him and said, "You're showing every overweight teenager they can do it." That part in the show really touched my heart and made me realize that I have the strength and ability to do this. It will hurt and I will be in pain, but I didn't get fat overnight and I'm not going to get healthy overnight.

Another episode that really struck a place with me is episode 11 where they go home and compete in the marathon. The first time I watched this it didn't really say anything to me, then I was watching it again Monday afternoon and something happened. I decided to run for a minute then that minute turned into two. I stopped and started walking again. I caught my breath. The episode, at this point, was at the part where they were starting the marathon. Everyone was starting off strong, but they slowly started to get tired. I watched these amazing people and realized if they can do it, then so can I. I bumped the speed up to about 4.8 and started running again. I was at about 2.60 miles and I told myself I was going to run half a mile, without stopping. In the back of my mind I told myself it wasn't possible, but then watching all these amazing contestants run a marathon my mentality started to change. I kept running. They all jogged around the tracks. I kept going. I started getting tired and my legs were burning. As though they knew that I was doing this with them each of the family members and friends of the contestants started cheering for them and saying how proud they were of them. I told myself they were cheering for me. My friends and family are proud of me. I kept going. I finally got to 3 miles and I thought I was dieing. I wanted to stop. I wanted to give up. I kept running. I reached 3.07 miles...I kept going. I finally reached 3.10 miles which put me at exactly .50 miles. I literally stopped and stepped on the railing of the treadmill for a minute to catch my breath when something happened. I got extremely emotional. I started crying. I think I wrote about this in an earlier blog, but I don't care lol. For me that moment was amazing. I realized I was getting healthy and it was all because of the Biggest Loser.

I may have never met these people, and probably never will, but they are my heros. Each and everyone of them saved my life. And they are still saving my life. It's incredible. I could never thank them enough. I don't care who wins this season...in my heart, I am the biggest loser.

Chapter 17: Skinny Fatties

Well I was own my way back to my room a few minutes ago after a 3 hour workout and some shopping at Kroger (I had run out of Whole Grain Bread, Mustard, and Low-Fat Turkey lol) when I got on the elevator and saw this guy standing there. He was probably around 120lbs and had about 3% body fat. Then what shocked me the most was that he was holding, in his right hand, a 24-pack of Oreo cookies and a Dr. Pepper, then in his left hand he was holding 3, yes THREE, Rice Krispy Treats! That's insane. I wanted to look at him and just say, "Fatass" but I didn't know him and I figured he was like a master a kungfu or something so I kept my mouth shut. I just turned around to face the door and rolled my eyes.

People like that drive me insane. I call them Skinny Fatties because they are. My roommate is one of those people lol (Love ya Mike!). They could eat all day long, and they could eat crap and they would still not gain an ounce. It drives me crazy. I eat healthy food and I gain weight, let alone eating 24 oreos, three rice krispy treats and a Dr. Pepper.

Well what really matters is that I know that stuff is bad for you now. About six months ago that would have been a meal for me. That and probably a bag of chips and some other random crap. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was bad then, but I never took a second thought about what I put into my body. Now that I have been watching what I eat I've realized it's so hard to eat healthy unless you fix the food on your own. So that's what I've been doing. I've been eating lots of fruit and I fix alot of turkey sandwiches on whole grain bread with some mustard and a slice of low-fat cheese. And that will be a meal for me now, versus what I would have before.

To all you Skinny Fatties: If you can eat that stuff and stay skinny then more power to ya, but I understand now the importance of what I put into my body. Have fun eating all that junk, because when you hit about thirty and your metabolism catches up with you, don't come crying to me when you're no longer a Skinny Fatty, but just a Fatty. Have fun :)

Chapter 16: Takin' It Back

Well the great thing about having this brandnew iPod touch is that anywhere I have I have a wifi connection I can write blogs, send emails, checkmy facebook and everything else...it's great :) so yeah I'm currently at the gym riding the bike now as I'm typing this and I gave some big news (well it is for me anyway LOL) I just ran, yes ran, half a mile on the treadmill, without stopping. It's been about 8 years since I've ran that much. You maybe thinking "oh that's not that much." well let me just tell you as an obese person, that half mile kicked my ass.

I had to really push myself and it was so much harder than I'd ever imagined. My stamina is building up but it's still extremely difficult to run for about six minutes without stopping. At the end, after realizing I had just done something that I haven't done since middle school, I got extremely emotional. I literally had to stop running to hide my face so that people wouldn't think I was crazy. It was at that moment that I realized I'm finally taking my life back. It's my life and I'm finally taking charge to get healthy. It feels great. Sure running kills your legs and your lungs are sore but at the same time I know running half a mile means I'm taking my life back. I'm no longer trapped inside almost 300lbs of a prison. It's time to up mygame. I WILL lose 100lbs. I will get healthy. I will take my life back.

Chapter 15: Body Builder?

Ok so I just woke up...I know, terrible, but I'm getting ready and I'm on my way to lunch here in a few minutes.  After lunch I'm going to go workout.  Now the key to eating before working out is eating plenty of carbs and protein for energy.  It also jump starts your metabolism and helps you to burn weight faster.  

Something that I've noticed within the past week or so, with working out AND weight training, is that I'm not getting enough protein.  I can just feel it because I'm exhausted and my body doesn't feel like it used to.  I eat a lot, especially before I go workout, but I'm just not getting enough protein (chicken, tuna, shrimp, etc.).  

I talked to a good friend of mine, who's a body body builder, and he suggest Optimum Nutrition Whey Protein Shakes.  The container is about 5lbs of powder and it's around $30, but he said it tastes really good and each serving has something like 20 grams of protein.  I also did some research and almost every body builder that I've read about drinks at-least three protein shakes a day.  I probably would only have to do one or two since I'm only working out around three hours a day.  I looked up the shake powder online and you can buy it at GNC and there is one just right down the road from the university here, so when I get paid at the end of the month I'll probably go buy it.  I just hope it tastes good lol.  My mom used to drink protein shakes after her surgery and she said they taste like crap, so I hope I'm not wasting my money lol.  But then again I could spend $30 on the powder and it would save money because I wouldn't have to spend as much on raw fish, chicken and other foods to get my protein.  

So yeah, I'm getting ready to go eat some lunch and then I'm going to go to the gym.  Wish me luck! :)

*Should I buy the protein shake mix?  Or should I just start eating more protein dense meat instead?  Please comment and let me know :)  

Chapter 14: Sleep? No...

Well here it is, 1am and I'm still up.  I went to bed around 8pm earlier and then I woke up around 11pm and I haven't gone back to bed since....I tend to do that alot if I go to sleep early.  I guess I'm just not used to it.  But here I am, 1am, doing absolutely nothing but sitting here browsing the internet.  I've realized I have a new obsession:  Shoes, and not just any shoes, but running shoes.

I love running shoes, everything about them.  The shape, the design, the colors, the flexibility.  Something about running shoes makes me want to run.  So I've been doing some browsing online trying to find a really nice, yet affordable, pair of running shoes.  Most of the ones that I've found that I like are between $60 and $80, but there is this one pair....they're Nikes.  I'm such a dork I've even included a pic of them lol.

They're a beauty!  And I want them sooooo bad.  The only catch is that they're about $120.  That's WAY more than I've ever paid for shoes and I've never been the type of person to spend that kind of money on a pair of shoes (I settle just fine for Old Navy FlipFlops at $2.50 a pair), however, the way I see it is that you pay for quality.  So if I buy a really nice, somewhat expensive pair of running shoes they will probably last me for a while, right?  I just really want them so I guess I'm trying to rationalize buying them lol.  Then I thought about it...if I can spend almost $400 on an iPod touch, which is technically something that I don't really need, then I can spend $120 on a pair of shoes that I really do need.  My old running shoes are not really running shoes and they rub a spot on the back of my foot from time to time...not really comfortable when I'm running.  Well...I guess I'll look into getting them when I get paid at the end of this month.  Maybe I can convince my parents to pay some on them haha.  Gotta love parents! 

*What do you think?  Comment and let me know if you think I should buy them?  Should I spend that much money on a pair of shoes?

Chapter 13: Where I've Been and Where I Am Now

Ok here it is...this is my official "before" and "after" picture as of about a week ago.  The "before" was taken at Christmas when I was at 290lbs.  This is the picture I was talking about that I compared to the current one.  It's scary lol.

Chapter 12: Finally Caught Up

Well it is now April 12 and I'm officially up to date with my blog.  The rough part about starting a blog is that several blogs are spent describing your story, etc. etc.  But now that I'm finally caught up with my story and where I am now I can start writing daily blogs, or atleast a few per week. 

I worked out today for about three hours and it was so dang exhausting.  I got back from church around 12:30, after having been there since 8am for Easter Services, and I was just exhausted so I decided to take a thirty minute nap.  The nap lasted for about ten minutes when I was awoken...awakened...awaked....woked....um, yeah you get the picture...anyhow I was disturbed from a deep, peaceful sleep by people being hoodlums yelling in the hallway, running up and down the hall acting crazy.  So I decided to get up.  I then checked my facebook and realized I really needed to go workout.  I was tired and didn't feel like it, but I knew I needed to.  I sat at my computer for a few minutes then decided to get ready.  I made my way to the gym where I worked out for about three hours.  I went from the treadmill to weight training to the smaller bike then to the larger "mountain" bike.  The whole time I had to keep telling myself to workout and to push through it.  I was already there...I might as well work.

Since I've started working out my stamina has really built up and I'm able to do things that I haven't been able to do in years.  For example, I can now RUN at a brisk pace for about three minutes at a time.  Hey!  That's alot of time for a fat person lol.  I think running is one of the most exciting things.  It really makes me feel amazing.  I can't wait until I'm about 160lbs and then I can just run everywhere lol.

I also just bought an iPod touch which is sooooooooooooooo amazing.  I get wifi at the gym so while I'm on the treadmill or the bike I can email, check my facebook, and even write blogs!  It's such an amazing little gadget.  :)

Well it's about 10:50pm so I should probably hit the sack.  Please keep reading and I'll keep updating...Thanks guys!

Chapter 11: Finally Public

Spring Break was over and I had made my way back to school.  I had more motivation in me at this point than most people have in their entire lives.  Even my choir director at school had made comments on my weight-loss.  I was determined, motivated, and dedicated.  I was back at the gym and I was still going strong.  Until April.  April hit and I slowly started slacking for the first week or so.  I couldn't have that.  As soon as the first week was over I jumped right back on the band wagon....I'm not sure why it's always a wagon, maybe it's easier to fall off versus falling "out of the Mustang".  

I worked my butt off for the weeks following and I told myself I would lose weight.  It wasn't really until this point that I made my official goal: To lose 100lbs by my 20th birthday which is March 20, 2010.  I began to tell people about my goal and everyone really supported me.  While working out I started tanning again as an added boost of confidence.  I also talked to a few people and learned that the Daily Helmsman would actually write an article about me showcasing my weight-loss and showing others that you can change your life.  This is to be written in March of 2010.  All of this is great and all but at the same time it scares the crap out of me.  What if I don't meet my goal?  What if I fail?  Everyone will be let down, and at this point pretty much every person I know knows that I'm losing weight.  It's no longer just for me.  

Chapter 10: Looking in the Mirror

I stood looking in the mirror realizing that I couldn't tell I had lost.  I still looked just as fat as before.  How could people tell?  I was still fat.  Fat people all look the same.  It's all fat.  I couldn't see it.  Finally after about a week of saying, "I can't tell.  I don't see it." I decided to take a picture of myself then I compared it to a picture my mom had of me at Christmas. 

It was hideous.

I looked so fat.  My cheeks were fat, my face was fat, my stomach was fat, my legs were fat, my neck was fat.  Everything was fat.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm still fat.  I'm still overweight, but I didn't look anything like that person in the picture.  I almost broke down again looking at it.  I asked if I could keep the picture.  My mom said yes and I placed it in my planner.  I wanted to keep it as motivation.

I looked at the picture all the time.  I couldn't believe I had let myself get so fat.  I was so angry with myself.  Now I was going through the pain of working out and pushing myself to my limits because I didn't care about my body these past 18 years. 

This was a change.  This was no longer a game of "Workout and Diet"...this was serious.  I will lose weight.  I had no other option.  It was either lose weight or die as a fat person.  I wanted to be healthy.

Chapter 9: The True Test

I unloaded my car and put my things in my room.  I then got into my PJs, since it was already about 10pm, and made my way into the laundry room which is where the scale was located.  I turned on the light and stood there looking at it.  I honestly felt like I was waiting to hear my verdict for murder.  I finally took a deep breath and stepped on the scale. 

The needle spun around and bounced into the 200's.  I couldn't look.  I finally heard the needle stop moving.  I slowly looked down.  My heart was beating and I felt like I could die at any minute.  The scale read "260"....my mouth dropped and I nearly fainted.  Tears welled up in my eyes when I did the math in my head and realized I had dropped 30lbs in less than three months. 

I stepped off the scale and stood there, looking at the scale, my mouth open, still dumbfounded that I had lost 30lbs.  I stepped back on it, shaking my head, believing that something must be wrong.  Once again it read "260".  I stepped off and walked into the living room.  I was almost in tears as I looked at my dad and said "I've lost 30 pounds."  He looked at me, smiled, and said "That's great Chase!" 

For once in my life I felt worth something.  I quickly went to the computer and went to the same site as before to find my BMI.  I typed in my height and weight and it read "Obese".  I was Obese, no longer Morbidly Obese, but just Obese.  My heart dropped and I knew this was no longer a great start, but this was a great accomplishment.  I had not weighed 260 since Sophomore year of high school.  It was a great feeling. 

My mom and sister came home and they noticed too.  Throughout Spring Break I ran into many old friends and some noticed while others could probably care less.  But I didn't mind.  I was doing this for me, nobody else.  I noticed and that's all that mattered.  Or so I thought.

Chapter 8: Going Home

February passed and March began.  I was still motivated and was still doing great with my Lifestyle Change Plan and my workout.  I was going to the gym several times a week and I was eating three meals a day and snacking in between, which is suggested by all nutrition experts.  My metabolism had finally kicked in.  I was very excited.  My clothes started to get a little bit bigger,  but I couldn't really tell.  I had always bought clothes that were about a size to small just because I was now in the biggest size in any regular store and I told myself I would never shop in a "Fat Store".  So my clothes were no longer squeezing the life out of me, but they were actually fitting comfortably.  I kept working out, eating healthy and taking the stairs (ten flights to my dorm was crazy, but I was willing to do it).

The third week of March was Spring Break.  I was excited to be going home, but also very nervous.  I had not weighed since Christmas and the scale read 290.  I had also not seen anyone back home since then.  What if they didn't notice?  Or even worse, what if I had only lost like five or ten pounds?  I was worried that it would discourage me and I would be devastated.  I knew how I would react.  I would be upset, cry and then I would quit trying.  I was scared to death. 

I got in the car and made the six hour drive home.  I got there and my dad was the only one there.  It was my sister's birthday so my mom had taken her and some friends out to the movies.  I walked through the door and the first thing my dad did, other than hug me, was compliment my weight.  My insides finally eased up and I let out a sigh of relief.  He noticed, which means I've obviously lost some weight.  But then again, he knew that I'd been working out, so maybe he was just trying to encourage me.  The only way to tell was the weigh myself.  The scale never lies. 

Chapter 7: A NEW Beginning

Christmas was over and January had started.  Time to get back to school.  Classes started back on the 15^th and I arrived at school more motivated than I’d ever been.  I was prepared to conquer the world.  Contrary to what my family and friends had said, I did pretty well the first week back.  I ate things like Subway, Chicken Salad Sandwiches on Wheat Bread, Baked Chips, WATER, and no sweets.  I was still motivated and was still going. I also started going to the gym.  I was no longer just walking on the treadmill for a boring hour then going back to my room where I would then eat a bag of chips and some candy (Like I was doing the semester before), but instead I would eat a pretty big meal about an hour before I worked out.  I would then work out and didn’t feel the need to binge afterwards.  I felt proud.  It was a great beginning.  Of course, everything was a “great beginning” but after the second week I realized, this was no longer the beginning.  The beginning had already happened at Christmas.  I realized mid-February that I was well into my Weight-loss Journey.  That motivated me even more.

Chapter 6: Fat Man's Holiday

The next morning I got up and decided to start my day off with a healthy breakfast.  I had lean ham, eggs with no salt, wheat toast, and an apple.  This was a good start to a new life.  The days following this I continued to eat healthy and stopped drinking soda all together.  Then Christmas came along…yep, the food, the chocolate, everything.  I like to call it "Fat Man's Holiday", not because of Santa but because it was one of the few times out of the year that everyone got to overeat and it made fat people not look as bad.  We were basically eating what everyone else was.  But, I didn’t overeat and I still stuck to my “Lifestyle Change Plan”…that’s what I call it, instead of a diet.  The way I see it is that people go off of diets.  They diet for a time then eventually quit and go back to their old eating habits.  I didn’t want to do that so I call it a Lifestyle Change Plan.  So back to Christmas,  I was very proud of myself.  I still ate, and I ate well, but I didn’t overeat and I stayed away from all the sweets.  This seemed to be a great beginning.  

Chapter 5: Slap in the Face

I survived the semester and was so excited when I got to go home for Christmas break.  It was then that I started talking to my parents about my having weight loss surgery.  Mom, and now my older sister had all had it done and it was going great so far for them, and dad was having it done in a month or so.  It was a family affair that I was being left out of.  I realized I’ll be the only fat one, and that thought terrified me.  So I started researching and pulling up medical information that was needed for the paperwork for the surgery.  It was around 2am one morning, and like always I was still awake.  I was browsing the internet hoping I would find a quick, magic pill to lose weight overnight…I never found it, but what I did find was a medical website dedicated to weight loss.  There was a link/section of the site where you could figure out your BMI (Body Mass Index).  This number basically told you how fat you were.  It also put you into, what I call a “fat category”.  The categories were as follows: Underweight, Normal, Average, Overweight, Obese, Morbidly Obese, and Super Obese.  Without even typing in my stats yet to get my BMI I knew I was know where close to Morbidly or Super Obese…those words just sounded horrible.  I figured I was probably either Overweight or simply Obese.  I typed in my height and weight to get my BMI.  The little chart read 47 and underneath it were two words I’ll never forget, “Morbidly Obese”.  My mouth dropped and I just sat in front of my laptop, shocked.  Then it happened.  The tears came.  I had never really been emotional about my weight, until now.  I was Morbidly Obese.  Not fat. Not Obese.  Morbidly Obese.  I had always told myself it was ok to weigh 200 something, just as long as I never got into the 300s…well at 290lbs I was almost there.  It was a slap in the face.  I cried for almost thirty minutes because I couldn’t believe I had let myself get so overweight.  I decided to just go to bed and start anew the next morning.  There was nothing I could do at this point anyway. 

Chapter 4: My First Semester

I had been accepted into the University of Memphis, with a full scholarship for Voice.  I would move to Memphis in August of 2008.  I thought, "Moving to college will be the perfect opportunity to lose weight."  However, I always said this, but I never took the opportunity. 

Throughout the first semester I was miserable.  Being six hours away from my family and friends played a huge role in my emotions.  At the end of September my Bulimia relapsed.  I started binging and purging several times a week.  I was losing a little bit of weight, but I was also getting extremely sick and depressed.  At the end of November I had decided to drop out of school, and move back home.  My roommate walked in on me during my "breakdown"...I was sitting in front of my laptop in tears.  This was not just the lil tears dropping from my face, this was the whole "ugly cry" as I like to call it.  It was runny nose, sobbing, hiccups, crying...the whole package.  He sat down infront of me and asked what was wrong.  I told him and he looked at me and said, "You need to get up, wash your face and be strong.  It's ok to feel sorry for yourself for a few minutes, but you can't sit here and cry forever.  You can't quit school, and you can't leave.  Be strong."  I took his advice.

Chapter 3: Senior Year

Senior year I also started wearing jogging pants and gym shorts, but not because I was to fat to fit into jeans, but because it was senior year...I wanted to be comfortable and lazy.  The worst thing about wearing gym shorts is that over the span of senior year I put on about 50lbs; however, I didn't realize it due to the fact that I was wearing elastic.  Maybe if I had worn more jeans I would've realize they no longer fit.  Maybe I could have caught this problem sooner. 

Graduation day I wore the biggest gown they had and I still looked like a whale, but once again, as soon as I stepped on stage to sing for the Ceremony I felt as though people forgot that I was a fat-ass.  I never really worried about fat people stuff either.  I would still do things as though I were thin, but all the while it just made me look like an idiot.  At graduation, while I sat in the seats I started to get paranoid thinking, "What if I fall walking across the stage?"  Not only would it be embarassing for a regular size person, but for a human whale it would be horrible.  I would probably break a hole in the stage and they would have to stop the ceremony to have someone come fix the hole so that nobody would get killed falling through it.  Then everyone would hate me for making them sit there and wait.  I thought about this the entire speech from our Principal, so by the time I got up to get my diploma I was sweating, trying my hardest not to fall.  I even lifted up my robe as I walked up the small plank to the stage.  Luckily I didn't fall and I didn't ruin the entire graduation.

I had done it...I had graduated.  I was done.  Not for long.

Chapter 2: Nutrition Class

I have tried all kinds of diets...I've tried working out, only to quit three days into the program.  I also tried the whole eating disorder thing.  I became Bulimic around the end of sophomore year, and I hid it extremely well.  I lost a little bit of weight, but I was mainly always in a bad attitude because I was hungry and sick.  I carried this on until Senior year.  Nothing ever seemed to work, so by my senior year of high school I had accepted the fact that I was overweight and would probably be overweight for the rest of my life.  I used to joke around and say, "I was born fat and I'll die fat." however that is not something I really believed nor did I want it to happen.  Senior year, spring semester I took a Foods & Nutrition Class as an elective with one of my best friends.  The teacher was awesome and we both loved her and looked up to her, therefore we enrolled in the class.  We both enjoy cooking so we thought it would be fun to take.  The first part of the semester the class focused on Nutrition, such as what to eat, what NOT to eat, etc. 

We learned about different foods that provide different vitamins and nutrients.  We learned that your body needs a combination of many things to stay healthy.  We also learned how to substitute healthy food for nonhealthy food in recipes.  It seemed to be a great start for eating healthy.  I still, however, didn't take this chance as the golden opportunity to lose weight.  I continued to eat large portions, going back for seconds and even thirds at the buffet, eating dessert for a meal, eating a ton of sugar, drinking soda, then complaining that I couldn't fit into jeans.  

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Hello!  Welcome to my blog "290-100= LIFE"...just incase you're wondering, let me take a moment to explain what the title means.  At the age of seven I was a healthy elementary school student.  I played on the playground during reccess, and upon arriving home after school my mom couldn't keep me inside.  I was always outside playing games with my siblings or simply running around.  It wasn't long after this that I started gaining weight.  By the age of 16 I weighed over 200lbs.  My freshman year of high school I weighed around 250lbs.  However, people really never made fun of me for it.  Ocassionally I would hear someone yell "Fatass" or "Shamu", but that happened very rarely. 

I am a Vocal Music Performance Major at the University of Memphis and I've always said my voice and sense of humor helped to cover up the fact that I was severely overweight.  It was as though whenever I would sing people would forget, for that moment, that I was fat.  During middle school and high school I learned that if I could be funny and make people laugh with me it was save me the pain of having people laughing at me.  Therefore, my voice and sense of humor became my facades.  It hid what I really felt. 

I was never the "fat kid"...I was always the "kid that sings".  I hated gym class because I was always the biggest person.  However, for a large person, I could run fairly quickly and I was very competitive.  I always overdid things to make sure that people couldn't label me as the "lazy fat kid". 

Around my sophomore year of high school my mother underwent weightloss surgery.  It was not until then that I really stepped back and began to evaluate my own personal weight problems.  Sure, I knew I was fat, but I was also happy; or so I thought.

*For those of you that still haven't figured out what the title of this blog means I'll explain it:  At my heaviest I weighed in at 290lbs and my goal is to lose 100lbs by my 20th birthday...290-100=LIFE...get it? :)