Just wanted to let you know that I've got a new blog, although I will still use this.
The new one is my personal blog...it's for random stuff from my everyday life that doesn't really fit on this blog.
Like I said, I will continue to post on this blog as things change. As for now, not much has. I've been super busy with finals and papers so I haven't been to the gym in a while but I'm still maintaining the weight-loss from before. I will eventually pick it back up and continue on my journey.
The new blog will be focused on music, videos, and random stuff...so feel free to check it out for a more personal look into my life :)
"My Life And How I See It"
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Chapter 50: TBL Update & Surgery
Ok, so my audition video is coming along...somewhat slowly, but it's still going :) I've decided to do a music video parody for the first three minutes and I've already gotten the song recorded and now I'm ready to start filming the actual song.
I've got a bunch of random footage that I'll use for the rest of the video, but for now I'm mainly working on the audition video. I'm really excited.
I also decided that, if I don't get accepted on the show, I'm going to look into the lap-band weight loss surgery. I know I said that I didn't want to do it, and that I wanted to do it the old-fashioned way but my health is getting worse and I just can't keep going like this. It's gotten to the point that I can't sleep well because of the sleep apnea and acid reflux. It's terrible. It's not set in stone yet on whether or not I will have the surgery, but I am definitely considering it.
So that's just a quick update! I'll write another post soon! :)
I've got a bunch of random footage that I'll use for the rest of the video, but for now I'm mainly working on the audition video. I'm really excited.
I also decided that, if I don't get accepted on the show, I'm going to look into the lap-band weight loss surgery. I know I said that I didn't want to do it, and that I wanted to do it the old-fashioned way but my health is getting worse and I just can't keep going like this. It's gotten to the point that I can't sleep well because of the sleep apnea and acid reflux. It's terrible. It's not set in stone yet on whether or not I will have the surgery, but I am definitely considering it.
So that's just a quick update! I'll write another post soon! :)
Monday, November 9, 2009
Chapter 49: The Biggest Loser
BIG NEWS: I've decided to audition for The Biggest Loser on NBC!!!!!!!!!!
I'm currently in the process of filming my audition tape and I've also filled out my application. The next step is submitting both and going to the Open Casting Call, which will probably be at the end of the month.
As of now it is NOT set in stone, and I haven't been selected, but I really hope that I do. So please keep in your prayers that God will have His way with me.
I will upload the audition video on YouTube so that I can show everyone. I'll be doing several different things on the tape...I'm recording/filming a parody music video of Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down", and I've also got some footage of me in the gym, at a restaurant, singing in Opera, singing in choir, going to McDonalds, and then some raw footage of me just talking to the camera about why I should be picked.
I'll update you guys more on the status of things once I finish my video and application and get it sent off! :) Thanks!!
I'm currently in the process of filming my audition tape and I've also filled out my application. The next step is submitting both and going to the Open Casting Call, which will probably be at the end of the month.
As of now it is NOT set in stone, and I haven't been selected, but I really hope that I do. So please keep in your prayers that God will have His way with me.
I will upload the audition video on YouTube so that I can show everyone. I'll be doing several different things on the tape...I'm recording/filming a parody music video of Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down", and I've also got some footage of me in the gym, at a restaurant, singing in Opera, singing in choir, going to McDonalds, and then some raw footage of me just talking to the camera about why I should be picked.
I'll update you guys more on the status of things once I finish my video and application and get it sent off! :) Thanks!!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Chapter 48: Ghost Of Chase Past Has Returned (and another 5K)
Well, sadly, I have to report that I have stopped P90X, although I am desperately searching for the motivation to start it again...I just haven't found it yet. It started when I went home for Fall Break. I was working again so when I got in it was late and I was really tired so I took some sleeping pills and went to bed. So I had skipped my first day. Well one thing led to another, and now I haven't done it in a week :( I feel terrible.
Something else that really worries me, and it worries me so much that I almost wasn't going to mention it in this post is that I think I've relapsed. If you don't know what I'm talking about then skip down to Chapter 30 and it will update you.
I've really been struggling with it for about two weeks now. I've been doing pretty good about fighting it off, but now the compulsive binging has started. Although the purging hasn't began yet, and the starving hasn't happened, the binging has and that's just as bad. The other night I have 2 Double Cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a large sweet tea from McDonalds. I ate it about 30 minutes before I went to bed. It's terrible, and I feel disgusted. All my life, someone else has always been in control for me, but I finally found that I can now control what I eat and how I eat it. So I tend to punish myself with food, but then I also turn around and reward myself with it. Tonight, I went to dinner with some friends and I had a burger and fries from a restaurant then we went to Ben & Jerry's afterwards and I got a Brownie Sundae with Cookies and Creme Ice-Cream, knowing good and freakin' well that I DIDN'T need it. I went to the bathroom afterwards and had to fight the urge to purge. It was a very difficult battle but I won. I left the little shop feeling bloated and as huge as a damn elephant. I was very disappointed in myself. Plus I've also logged back onto an old website I used to go to everyday. It's a "Thinspiration" website for guys with Eating Disorders. It's a very unhealthy website because it basicly teaches you how to become a better Anorexic/Bulimic/Compulsive Over Eater/Etc. and then they are constantly bombarding you with pictures of thin guys and motivation to get thin. Things like "Snack on celery and water all day instead of eating" and "If you feel the urge to vomit, drink a glass of water then purge. The water will fill up your stomach then bring up whatever else is down there." People that have never experienced an Eating Disorder will never understand what it's like. It's a drug to me. I need my drug.
One of my best friends has been with me through this and she has been supporting me and trying to help me. She's experienced all this herself so she's trying to keep me away from a terrible relapse. I love her to death, but I don't think I have the strength to hold out.
Plus, I'm finally dealing with the death of one of my best friends so I haven't been getting much sleep (because I dream about him all the time, hence the sleeping pills) and I struggle to eat and when I do, I over-do it. I'm also scared of the gym because I developed compulsive workouts before so I don't want that that start up either. So yeah, that's an update. I've got to get back in the gym because I'm slipping into old ways. Please keep me in your prayers guys! I love the support and I love you guys!!! :)
Oh, and by the way, I signed up a week ago to run in the "Race for a Cure" for Breast Cancer. It's October 31 at 8am...so that should be interesting :( I get a shirt and everything and I've decided to run for my grandmother, who is a Breast Cancer survivor! :) I'm really excited about the 5K but we'll see how it's counteracts with my ED... :(
Something else that really worries me, and it worries me so much that I almost wasn't going to mention it in this post is that I think I've relapsed. If you don't know what I'm talking about then skip down to Chapter 30 and it will update you.
I've really been struggling with it for about two weeks now. I've been doing pretty good about fighting it off, but now the compulsive binging has started. Although the purging hasn't began yet, and the starving hasn't happened, the binging has and that's just as bad. The other night I have 2 Double Cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a large sweet tea from McDonalds. I ate it about 30 minutes before I went to bed. It's terrible, and I feel disgusted. All my life, someone else has always been in control for me, but I finally found that I can now control what I eat and how I eat it. So I tend to punish myself with food, but then I also turn around and reward myself with it. Tonight, I went to dinner with some friends and I had a burger and fries from a restaurant then we went to Ben & Jerry's afterwards and I got a Brownie Sundae with Cookies and Creme Ice-Cream, knowing good and freakin' well that I DIDN'T need it. I went to the bathroom afterwards and had to fight the urge to purge. It was a very difficult battle but I won. I left the little shop feeling bloated and as huge as a damn elephant. I was very disappointed in myself. Plus I've also logged back onto an old website I used to go to everyday. It's a "Thinspiration" website for guys with Eating Disorders. It's a very unhealthy website because it basicly teaches you how to become a better Anorexic/Bulimic/Compulsive Over Eater/Etc. and then they are constantly bombarding you with pictures of thin guys and motivation to get thin. Things like "Snack on celery and water all day instead of eating" and "If you feel the urge to vomit, drink a glass of water then purge. The water will fill up your stomach then bring up whatever else is down there." People that have never experienced an Eating Disorder will never understand what it's like. It's a drug to me. I need my drug.
One of my best friends has been with me through this and she has been supporting me and trying to help me. She's experienced all this herself so she's trying to keep me away from a terrible relapse. I love her to death, but I don't think I have the strength to hold out.
Plus, I'm finally dealing with the death of one of my best friends so I haven't been getting much sleep (because I dream about him all the time, hence the sleeping pills) and I struggle to eat and when I do, I over-do it. I'm also scared of the gym because I developed compulsive workouts before so I don't want that that start up either. So yeah, that's an update. I've got to get back in the gym because I'm slipping into old ways. Please keep me in your prayers guys! I love the support and I love you guys!!! :)
Oh, and by the way, I signed up a week ago to run in the "Race for a Cure" for Breast Cancer. It's October 31 at 8am...so that should be interesting :( I get a shirt and everything and I've decided to run for my grandmother, who is a Breast Cancer survivor! :) I'm really excited about the 5K but we'll see how it's counteracts with my ED... :(
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Chapter 47: I'm...Going...To...Die...
It's official, I'm gonna die...
One of my friends suggested a workout program so I took his advice and started on Monday....What workout program you ask?....*drumroll* P90X! If you haven't heard of it, google that junk! It's intense. I just found out today that the X is for Extreme lol...and let me tell ya, it is!
In short, it's a 90 Day very intense workout routine. Everyday from Day 1 to Day 90 you use the 12 DVDs that you are provided with to lose weight, burn fat and build muscle. I'm on Day 3 and I'm already sore lol. Monday night was all about the chest and back, so it was alot of pullups and pushups. Well, being big I can't really do them that well, but I was able to do assisted pullups using a chair and one leg, and I did as many pushups as I could. I barely got through the warmup and then the real thing started. I could feel the burn even as we warmed up. But I knew the results would be worth it. I was thinking, "This is it...this is the day I kill over here in my room and die. Nobody will find me for a week and I'll just be lying here, dead...from this damn workout!" lol. No, there's no magic pill that comes with the program, it's just a workout ROUTINE, which means I'm still working out. And the cool thing is that I can no longer use the excuse, "I don't have time to go to the gym", because this is done in the safety and privacy of my own room lol. No excuses! :)
So from here on out P90X will be going hand in hand with my regular gym visits and healthy eating. Hey, it's still working out! lol. I was getting bored of the same thing over and over so this is a good change for me. I think this is what I needed. As to Chapter 46, I've still got alot of stuff going on and I'm still very, very stressed but there's just something about working out that makes one feel great. Last night was Plyometrics, which is basically a lot of jumping exercise as well as tons of squats and lunges. The workout only lasts for an hour, but that hour is more intense than most workouts I've ever done lol. I guess you could compare P90X to some of The Biggest Loser workouts on the show. It's freakin' hardcore! I'm also taking One-A-Day vitamins as well as B-12 and I'm drinking The Biggest Loser All Natural Whey Protein Mix. You wouldn't believe how much water I've been drinking since I started this lol, well over my required amount per day I'm sure haha.
I woke up this morning and couldn't even sit up, I had to literally roll over and out of bed haha. But at the same time I had a huge smile on my face (through the gritting of teeth) because I knew I had found something that is working. "Pain is temporary; Pride lasts forever."
I was talking to some of my friends today before class and I told them I could barely walk because my thighs hurt so bad lol. But the way I see it, if I wasn't sore after doing such an intense workout then something must be wrong. So the fact that I'm sore means I'm doing it right lol. Being sore means getting results. Everyone I've talked to has told me to just get past week one and stick with it. "Week 1 is the hardest. Keep going through Week 2 and 3 and you'll be fine. Don't let Week 1 get ya!", was some very good advice a P90X graduate gave me the other day. So I'm determined to do this. My 90 days will be over on January 10...so we'll see how it goes lol. I'll keep ya posted! :)
One of my friends suggested a workout program so I took his advice and started on Monday....What workout program you ask?....*drumroll* P90X! If you haven't heard of it, google that junk! It's intense. I just found out today that the X is for Extreme lol...and let me tell ya, it is!
In short, it's a 90 Day very intense workout routine. Everyday from Day 1 to Day 90 you use the 12 DVDs that you are provided with to lose weight, burn fat and build muscle. I'm on Day 3 and I'm already sore lol. Monday night was all about the chest and back, so it was alot of pullups and pushups. Well, being big I can't really do them that well, but I was able to do assisted pullups using a chair and one leg, and I did as many pushups as I could. I barely got through the warmup and then the real thing started. I could feel the burn even as we warmed up. But I knew the results would be worth it. I was thinking, "This is it...this is the day I kill over here in my room and die. Nobody will find me for a week and I'll just be lying here, dead...from this damn workout!" lol. No, there's no magic pill that comes with the program, it's just a workout ROUTINE, which means I'm still working out. And the cool thing is that I can no longer use the excuse, "I don't have time to go to the gym", because this is done in the safety and privacy of my own room lol. No excuses! :)
So from here on out P90X will be going hand in hand with my regular gym visits and healthy eating. Hey, it's still working out! lol. I was getting bored of the same thing over and over so this is a good change for me. I think this is what I needed. As to Chapter 46, I've still got alot of stuff going on and I'm still very, very stressed but there's just something about working out that makes one feel great. Last night was Plyometrics, which is basically a lot of jumping exercise as well as tons of squats and lunges. The workout only lasts for an hour, but that hour is more intense than most workouts I've ever done lol. I guess you could compare P90X to some of The Biggest Loser workouts on the show. It's freakin' hardcore! I'm also taking One-A-Day vitamins as well as B-12 and I'm drinking The Biggest Loser All Natural Whey Protein Mix. You wouldn't believe how much water I've been drinking since I started this lol, well over my required amount per day I'm sure haha.
I woke up this morning and couldn't even sit up, I had to literally roll over and out of bed haha. But at the same time I had a huge smile on my face (through the gritting of teeth) because I knew I had found something that is working. "Pain is temporary; Pride lasts forever."
I was talking to some of my friends today before class and I told them I could barely walk because my thighs hurt so bad lol. But the way I see it, if I wasn't sore after doing such an intense workout then something must be wrong. So the fact that I'm sore means I'm doing it right lol. Being sore means getting results. Everyone I've talked to has told me to just get past week one and stick with it. "Week 1 is the hardest. Keep going through Week 2 and 3 and you'll be fine. Don't let Week 1 get ya!", was some very good advice a P90X graduate gave me the other day. So I'm determined to do this. My 90 days will be over on January 10...so we'll see how it goes lol. I'll keep ya posted! :)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Chapter 46: Ugh...
This past week has been sooooo busy for me that I haven't been to the gym at all :( I feel terrible, both physically and mentally. I just wanna crawl under a rock somewhere and hide. I'm also a little homesick. I'm having trouble in my classes (failing one and completely lost in the other). My job is stressing me out hardcore, I'm having financial problems ($300 overdrawn and $5 in my pocket), I don't have the strength/energy to even go to the gym when I do have time, and I'm just exhausted. I can't keep food down, and I've lost my appetite. I'm having trouble sleeping also so I'm averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I keep dreaming about one of my best friends that passed away Dec. 7, 2006 so it's just really hard for me to sleep. I've resorted to sleeping pills and I know they're not good for you. I'm literally pushing myself at this point with all that I have left because Fall Break is next Friday so I keep telling myself if I can just make it through the rest of this week and next week, I'll be fine. I just need a break.
I was in Algebra today and had to get up and leave. She was working on the overhead and I started having trouble breathing, my chest was hurting, and I started sweating. My stomach was turning like crazy and my hands started shaking. I got a really bad headache and everything she wrote on the board seemed to be spinning. I was overwhelmed. I literally grabbed my stuff and ran out of the room. I'm sure the professor and other students were wondering what in the world was going on, but I didn't care. I've been wearing sunglasses all day b/c my eyes are dark and droopy. I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional/mental/physical breakdown. I'm having constant family issues and other problems that I can't talk about to anyone, so that sucks.
I'm not writing this blog so that you'll feel sorry for me or anything, I just want to ask for your prayers and I also needed to vent to someone. I feel like everything keeps boiling up. I was on the verge of tears all day today but I suck it up and go on. I keep telling myself that there are other people worse off than me so I need to just make myself get up and go. And as for now, that's exactly what I'm doing. So yeah, that's an update for this week....
I was in Algebra today and had to get up and leave. She was working on the overhead and I started having trouble breathing, my chest was hurting, and I started sweating. My stomach was turning like crazy and my hands started shaking. I got a really bad headache and everything she wrote on the board seemed to be spinning. I was overwhelmed. I literally grabbed my stuff and ran out of the room. I'm sure the professor and other students were wondering what in the world was going on, but I didn't care. I've been wearing sunglasses all day b/c my eyes are dark and droopy. I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional/mental/physical breakdown. I'm having constant family issues and other problems that I can't talk about to anyone, so that sucks.
I'm not writing this blog so that you'll feel sorry for me or anything, I just want to ask for your prayers and I also needed to vent to someone. I feel like everything keeps boiling up. I was on the verge of tears all day today but I suck it up and go on. I keep telling myself that there are other people worse off than me so I need to just make myself get up and go. And as for now, that's exactly what I'm doing. So yeah, that's an update for this week....
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Chapter 45: ALISON SWEENEY COMMENTS!!
If you didn't read Chapter 44 then here's a quick update: I was/am being featured on a website called Whrrl for "photo stories". I uploaded pics for my weight loss journey thus far and they decided to feature me! It's so exciting!
So far I've had over 5,000 views on my story, and here's the awesome part!!!
*Drum roll*
Alison Sweeney (from Days of Our Lives, and Biggest Loser host) commented on some of my pics!!!
One of her comments said: Congrats Chase. you're doing amazing.
And the other said: check you out!!! AWESOME!!!
I almost fainted when I read them! I'm a huge Ali fan! The few times I've seen Days of Our Lives was because she's awesome, and that's the only reason I ever watched haha. She's a great host on the Biggest Loser too, so to have her comment on my pics just made my day! :) I just wanted to let you guys know...oh, by the way, I tried a new fruit smoothie today from this little place on campus. It's a Strawberry smoothie for 89 calories...it's real fruit and it's AWESOME! :) I'm drinking it now lol.
So far I've had over 5,000 views on my story, and here's the awesome part!!!
*Drum roll*
Alison Sweeney (from Days of Our Lives, and Biggest Loser host) commented on some of my pics!!!
One of her comments said: Congrats Chase. you're doing amazing.
And the other said: check you out!!! AWESOME!!!
I almost fainted when I read them! I'm a huge Ali fan! The few times I've seen Days of Our Lives was because she's awesome, and that's the only reason I ever watched haha. She's a great host on the Biggest Loser too, so to have her comment on my pics just made my day! :) I just wanted to let you guys know...oh, by the way, I tried a new fruit smoothie today from this little place on campus. It's a Strawberry smoothie for 89 calories...it's real fruit and it's AWESOME! :) I'm drinking it now lol.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Chapter 44: Featured on Whrrl!!!
For those of you that don't know, Whrrl is a website in which you can tell "stories" through pictures. So basically it's an online album but for the purpose of telling others something.
I posted an album last night for my weight-loss. I put my before pics, my summer pics and my first 5K pics (well some of them lol). Well to my surprise, today I realized my picture was on the front page of the website, under the "Featured Stories" section! It was awesome! I realized that I had been chosen, along with like ten other stories to be featured on the website! When I checked earlier I had over 3400 views on my story! I was super excited!!!
I've posted the link below so you can see my scary before pics at Christmas 2008, and then my summer pics of where I am now. I'm still working out so I hope to post some more Christmas pics from 2009 so you can see where I was exactly one year ago to the day! :)
"My Weight-Loss Journey Thus Far" On Whrrl
I posted an album last night for my weight-loss. I put my before pics, my summer pics and my first 5K pics (well some of them lol). Well to my surprise, today I realized my picture was on the front page of the website, under the "Featured Stories" section! It was awesome! I realized that I had been chosen, along with like ten other stories to be featured on the website! When I checked earlier I had over 3400 views on my story! I was super excited!!!
I've posted the link below so you can see my scary before pics at Christmas 2008, and then my summer pics of where I am now. I'm still working out so I hope to post some more Christmas pics from 2009 so you can see where I was exactly one year ago to the day! :)
"My Weight-Loss Journey Thus Far" On Whrrl
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Chapter 43: Vegetables Taste Like Dirt...haha.
Ok so I have no clue what to talk about, but I just wanted to post a quick blog to update you and to ask you to let others know about my blog!
I realized yesterday I'm slowly starting to lose my motivation and I'm already looking at March (my goal date) and thinking, "Man, I'm gonna be so embarrassed when March rolls around because I'm still gonna be a fat cow!"...in a way, I've already began to except the failure in my mind. But I can't! I can't let it get to me!
I'm working so much now that it's so hard for me to find time for the gym. Last semester I was going about six times a week and now that's cut down to about four...so it's really bothering me. I'm eating really healthy though, so I'm trying to make up for the loss of exercise in my diet.
I found a blog a few days ago (more like a week or two ago I think lol) that has really inspired me. I want you to check it out. The woman's name is Pamela and she has lot a great amount of weight! Her story is inspirational, and it has definitely given me the kick in the butt that I needed. It has sparked my motivation, but I'm still struggling with keeping it. I just get so tired. I've posted her blog link below so please, please, please check it out and subscribe to her! :)
Friday, September 18, 2009
Chapter 42: BACK IN THE GAME!!
Well I'm soooo excited because TBL premiere was....AWESOME!!!
It was so great and I'm really excited about this season! Even my Opera Director at school watches it so we end up talking about TBL more than we end up talking about Opera haha, but I love it! I'm also sorry that I haven't updated as frequently as I used to, but school is kicking my butt!
I also wanted to let you know that I'm officially back on the wagon...for a while now I've just been following the wagon from where I fell off earlier, but I finally gained up the strength to jump back on. Watching TBL really did it for me! I was so inspired!!!! I also went to Kroger tonight (around 1-am to be exact lol) and spent $99.37 on all sorts of yummy, healthy food! I got whole wheat bread, lean turkey breast, lean chicken break, lean ham, mustard (0 calories, just so you know lol), cereal to kick start my metabolism in the morning, TBL Whey Protein Mix, grapes, apples, bananas, and some other goodies! I was so excited!
Well it is now 3:25am and I have yet to go to bed, so I should probably do that! I'll give you a more detailed blog entry about TBL Premiere more in depth later on, because right now my bed is calling my name.....listen......"Chase....Chase"...see, I told you! Good night! :)
**And for those of you that are celebrity junkies like me, I have a new blog! http://www.chaseferrell.wordpress.com It's all about celebrity news and a little bit of gossip, but not much lol. Please check it out and spread the word to others! I just started it Monday and I've had almost 800 hits so far! I'm really excited about it and I hope people will actually read my articles! Btw, you better watch the Emmy Awards this Sunday, 8/7c on CBS!! :) Love you guys!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Chapter 41: A Lifestyle (TBL PREMIERE!!!)
I realized today that being healthy and working out isn't all about working out everyday, 24/7 and eating all diet foods, but it's more about being healthy and enjoying life. I realized I was focusing too much on what I couldn't do, instead of what I could do. I admit, I've been extremely busy and haven't been to the gym near as much as I would like, but that hasn't changed my eating habits and my desire to be healthy. I'm still that healthy person, I just don't get to go to the gym as much. It reminds me of the Biggest Loser. The contestants are so obsessed with working out and eating properly while they are at the ranch, but then as soon as they leave they become scared and confused as how to combine their new life with the old one. It's a scary combination, but it's one that has to be made. Also....THE BIGGEST LOSER SEASON 8 PREMIERE IS THIS TUESDAY!!! I'm so freakin' excited! I can't wait to see the new contestants and I'm so happy to see that Daniel is coming back! :) Well I guess that's about it...this is more of a serious blog today, but it was just something I needed to say... :) Love you guys!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Chapter 40: New Semester
Wow, well as some of you may or may not know I'm working as a Resident Adviser this year for the university. This basically means I babysit the residents on my floor and make sure they don't get into any trouble and that they follow the rules. This also requires us to come to school about three weeks early to train. It's been crazy...we've been in meetings EVERY DAY from about 8am to about 8pm then after that we've been planning and working on decorations for our floors. Therefore, I apologize for not writing recently, but I'm still here, and yes I am still on my diet. Although it slips every once in a while, we all fail at times. We just have to get back up and keep going. I'm really excited once the school year starts because then I'll have time to go to the gym...I'm pumped! :) So yeah, not really much to report, just wanted to update you and let you know that I am still here :) Love you guys!!!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Chapter 39: 8K (Nope), Birthday Bash, Back On The Wagon
Well I decided not to run the 8K. The marathon is tonight and I realized I hadn't been training like I should have so I decided not to run it. I have not been doing like I should lately. I feel really guilty and I feel like I'm letting all my readers down, but I'm still going. I leave for school on Wednesday and I couldn't be more excited! I'll be back with my gym, my food, my Whole Foods Market, and everything else that feels like home. I just can't wait to be back! I said the first day I'm back I'm going to the gym!
I just got back from a birthday party for my 30-year-old cousin and I had a very good discussion with some people about my weight-loss and stuff. It made me realize I really need to get back on the wagon, and fast! I only have about six months to lose the rest of my weight...70lbs...but I think I can do it! Oh and by the way, I didn't have any ice-cream at the party! They had all kinds of stuff for sundaes so I picked through and ate a banana, strawberries, a few cherries and had some crushed nuts on top. It filled me up and it was actually a lot better than a huge bowl of ice-cream.
When I get back to campus I'll be hitting the gym everyday for several hours. I really have to get back to my routine! I've slumped alot this summer, but I can't let it get me down. I have to keep going.
I was thinking the other day about something one of my friends told me...she said, "If you lose all this weight you need to go around as a motivational speaker and talk to people about weight-loss." The more i thought about it the more I realized, I would absolutely love to do this! I am now a Dietetics Major and once I lose my weight I would love to help others. This is why I have decided that with my new major I would love to eventually work in an Obesity Clinic. For those of you that follow the Health Channel some I'm sure you've heard of Brookhaven Obesity Clinic. It is for people that are Super Morbidly Obese and I would love the opportunity to help people like that. When you get to the point that you're 900+ lbs there's not really much you can do other than diet. If that doesn't work out, I would also like to work in Fitness Centers as a Motivational Nutritionist. I also realized inorder for me to stay on track I need to keep my blog updated. I haven't updated since July 26, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm still here. Most weight-loss bloggers blog for a few months then they just vanish. It's like their fat has consumed them and is holding them hostage. But I can assure you, that won't be me.
I promise, right now...I vow that I will not stop blogging until I reach my goal...whether it be March 20 or whether it be July 20 of next year...the date for me is not the biggest part, but losing weight and being healthy is a huge priority for me right now. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna get off here. I'm going to go run about 4 miles, then come back and swim for about three hours...that should be a good workout for today :)
I just got back from a birthday party for my 30-year-old cousin and I had a very good discussion with some people about my weight-loss and stuff. It made me realize I really need to get back on the wagon, and fast! I only have about six months to lose the rest of my weight...70lbs...but I think I can do it! Oh and by the way, I didn't have any ice-cream at the party! They had all kinds of stuff for sundaes so I picked through and ate a banana, strawberries, a few cherries and had some crushed nuts on top. It filled me up and it was actually a lot better than a huge bowl of ice-cream.
When I get back to campus I'll be hitting the gym everyday for several hours. I really have to get back to my routine! I've slumped alot this summer, but I can't let it get me down. I have to keep going.
I was thinking the other day about something one of my friends told me...she said, "If you lose all this weight you need to go around as a motivational speaker and talk to people about weight-loss." The more i thought about it the more I realized, I would absolutely love to do this! I am now a Dietetics Major and once I lose my weight I would love to help others. This is why I have decided that with my new major I would love to eventually work in an Obesity Clinic. For those of you that follow the Health Channel some I'm sure you've heard of Brookhaven Obesity Clinic. It is for people that are Super Morbidly Obese and I would love the opportunity to help people like that. When you get to the point that you're 900+ lbs there's not really much you can do other than diet. If that doesn't work out, I would also like to work in Fitness Centers as a Motivational Nutritionist. I also realized inorder for me to stay on track I need to keep my blog updated. I haven't updated since July 26, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm still here. Most weight-loss bloggers blog for a few months then they just vanish. It's like their fat has consumed them and is holding them hostage. But I can assure you, that won't be me.
I promise, right now...I vow that I will not stop blogging until I reach my goal...whether it be March 20 or whether it be July 20 of next year...the date for me is not the biggest part, but losing weight and being healthy is a huge priority for me right now. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna get off here. I'm going to go run about 4 miles, then come back and swim for about three hours...that should be a good workout for today :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Chapter 38: 8K, Half Marathon...I've Lost My Mind!
Well I know it's been a while since I last posted and I apologize for that, I've just been really super busy with work and what not.
Ok so here's for a quick update.
There is an 8K in August that I'm considering running...I'm super nervous and don't know if I will. But here's my situation...there is also a Half Marathon in Memphis on December 5th for St. Jude that I really, really want to run; however, I've told myself that if I simply don't run this 8K then I can't run the Half...but I really, really want to...or atleast attempt it lol. So basically it's like if you tell your kid they won't get any ice cream until they eat their green beans, well yeah, that's what I'm doing to myself lol. But I also told myself that if I do run the 8K and I die or almost die then I've decided it'll probably scare me out of running the Half Marathon. I mean, I know there is no possible way I'll be able to run the entire thing, but I definitely want to try. The 5K that I ran on July 4th felt like it was gonna kill me, so I don't know why I'm thinking I can attempt a Half Marathon...I think I've officially lost it lol. So yeah.
I haven't been running as much lately because of work and stuff so I've been working during the night and sleeping during the day...I've been super tired all the time. But I also haven't gained anything this summer so I'm hoping that I can at least keep from gaining anything then beat my butt at the gym when I get back to Memphis, which will just be in a few weeks :)
Ok so that's a quick update...I promise I'll post something worth reading later on in the week! :) Thanks!
Ok so here's for a quick update.
There is an 8K in August that I'm considering running...I'm super nervous and don't know if I will. But here's my situation...there is also a Half Marathon in Memphis on December 5th for St. Jude that I really, really want to run; however, I've told myself that if I simply don't run this 8K then I can't run the Half...but I really, really want to...or atleast attempt it lol. So basically it's like if you tell your kid they won't get any ice cream until they eat their green beans, well yeah, that's what I'm doing to myself lol. But I also told myself that if I do run the 8K and I die or almost die then I've decided it'll probably scare me out of running the Half Marathon. I mean, I know there is no possible way I'll be able to run the entire thing, but I definitely want to try. The 5K that I ran on July 4th felt like it was gonna kill me, so I don't know why I'm thinking I can attempt a Half Marathon...I think I've officially lost it lol. So yeah.
I haven't been running as much lately because of work and stuff so I've been working during the night and sleeping during the day...I've been super tired all the time. But I also haven't gained anything this summer so I'm hoping that I can at least keep from gaining anything then beat my butt at the gym when I get back to Memphis, which will just be in a few weeks :)
Ok so that's a quick update...I promise I'll post something worth reading later on in the week! :) Thanks!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Chapter 37: The Night Shift
It was a night, just like any other, but there was something slightly different about tonight. The wind was calm, the moon was bright, and the heat was muggy. I pulled up to the building. I turned off my car, grabbed my bag, and slowly climbed out of my car...I was terrified of what might be lurking inside, yet at the same time it excited me. I walked to the front door and knocked. My palms were a little sweaty and my heart beat was fast...the front door opened...it was....it was....my...CO-WORKER!
Yep, that's right...it was work. Tonight/this morning/last night I worked my first night shift as a 911 Operator/Dispatcher. It's almost 5am and it wasn't really that bad *knock on wood*. I'm sitting here now on the "Lounge Computer" taking a short break to update you guys...and in the next second I could be running back to my desk (yes, literally running...) to answer a 911 call. Which could range from "My dog won't come out from under the bed" to "My husband just stabbed me in the chest and took my kids!" You just never know. So yeah, I'm trying to find the strength to stay awake lol.
The worst thing about all-nighters/night shift is that I tend to eat...a lot! I eat more at night and when I'm staying up all night than I eat all day. I munch a lot especially when I'm trying to stay awake. I hate it though because then I go straight home after this and I'll sleep until about 4pm. Then I'll take some sleeping pills and go back to sleep around 10pm (that way my sleeping schedule doesn't get screwed up too bad lol). So yeah, no time for exercise...or atleast it's really hard to FIND time for exercise lol. Well I guess my break time is up...I need to get back to my desk...this is Operator 812 with DeKalb County 911 signing off! :)
Yep, that's right...it was work. Tonight/this morning/last night I worked my first night shift as a 911 Operator/Dispatcher. It's almost 5am and it wasn't really that bad *knock on wood*. I'm sitting here now on the "Lounge Computer" taking a short break to update you guys...and in the next second I could be running back to my desk (yes, literally running...) to answer a 911 call. Which could range from "My dog won't come out from under the bed" to "My husband just stabbed me in the chest and took my kids!" You just never know. So yeah, I'm trying to find the strength to stay awake lol.
The worst thing about all-nighters/night shift is that I tend to eat...a lot! I eat more at night and when I'm staying up all night than I eat all day. I munch a lot especially when I'm trying to stay awake. I hate it though because then I go straight home after this and I'll sleep until about 4pm. Then I'll take some sleeping pills and go back to sleep around 10pm (that way my sleeping schedule doesn't get screwed up too bad lol). So yeah, no time for exercise...or atleast it's really hard to FIND time for exercise lol. Well I guess my break time is up...I need to get back to my desk...this is Operator 812 with DeKalb County 911 signing off! :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Chapter 36: Half Marathon Plan & A Quick Shoutout! :)
Well I decided after running the 5K last week that I really wanna up my game and run a half marathon. It's a big goal...who am I kiddin, it's a HUGE goal, but I'm willing to train and do it. There is a half marathon in Memphis around December 5 for St. Jude and with St. Jude being so close to my heart I thought, why better to run than to benefit something wonderful like St. Jude. I think I've even got a few friends from here at home that may make the trip to come join me :)
So the other day I drove around my house and our part of the town (which is mostly country side and back roads) and I mapped out a half marathon and a full marathon...yes, a full marathon! Although I will probably never do it haha. I did map it out for training purposes. I'm gonna start running a lot more than I have been and hopefully by the time December rolls around I'll be able to successfully run a half-marathon, without dieing haha.
So for my quick shoutout: Mzzlily! You've been an awesome blog reader! I'm so glad you're reading my blog because you really inspire me and motivate me. I was actually getting lunch today and I was really craving a cheeseburger, then I thought, "No, because sooner or later I'll post a blog about my update and Lily won't be too happy if I ate a cheeseburger!" haha. You're always so uplifting and I really enjoy reading your comments. You have commented on almost every single one of my posts and it really brightens my day when I get an encouraging post from you! I know we've never met, but I feel like you're such an awesome friend! Thanks! :)
I know there are others that post and comment on my blog, but Mzzlily just posts all the time...she really goes out of her way to make sure she encourages me and it really helps. Doing a weight-loss journey like this really makes you feel alone at times, but it's good to know that I have someone to motivate me :) Well that's a quick update for now! :)
So the other day I drove around my house and our part of the town (which is mostly country side and back roads) and I mapped out a half marathon and a full marathon...yes, a full marathon! Although I will probably never do it haha. I did map it out for training purposes. I'm gonna start running a lot more than I have been and hopefully by the time December rolls around I'll be able to successfully run a half-marathon, without dieing haha.
So for my quick shoutout: Mzzlily! You've been an awesome blog reader! I'm so glad you're reading my blog because you really inspire me and motivate me. I was actually getting lunch today and I was really craving a cheeseburger, then I thought, "No, because sooner or later I'll post a blog about my update and Lily won't be too happy if I ate a cheeseburger!" haha. You're always so uplifting and I really enjoy reading your comments. You have commented on almost every single one of my posts and it really brightens my day when I get an encouraging post from you! I know we've never met, but I feel like you're such an awesome friend! Thanks! :)
I know there are others that post and comment on my blog, but Mzzlily just posts all the time...she really goes out of her way to make sure she encourages me and it really helps. Doing a weight-loss journey like this really makes you feel alone at times, but it's good to know that I have someone to motivate me :) Well that's a quick update for now! :)
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Chapter 35: My First 5K Marathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DID IT!!! And I didn't die lol!
Well it took me 46 minutes but I race my first ever 5K Marathon yesterday!!! I was so excited...well except for getting up at 6am lol. The race started at 7 and I finished right around 8:45! I was in pain and today my legs are killin' me, but I felt great! The endorphin rush was awesome! I walked a small bit just because my legs started to cramp, but I pretty much ran/jogged the entire thing! I was sooooo happy! When I finished I couldn't have been more proud! I was so happy I honestly could've cried lol. I actually did it, I ran a Marathon...it was a small Marathon, but I gotta start somewhere! lol.
While I was running I kept reminding myself that I am changing my life. I am getting healthy. I am doing this for me. Nobody else, but me. It was awesome! I took some pics before and after and a little bit during, so I've posted them below for ya!! :)
Everyone at the starting line! Me with my Nutritionist friend! :)
Me after the race...I was sore lol. Me with my mom!
Me crossing the finish line!!! :) Almost to the finish line....almost!
"Run Forrest, run!" lol.. I can see the finish line, just a little more!
At the start of the race.... The sign I had on my back during the race!
Well it took me 46 minutes but I race my first ever 5K Marathon yesterday!!! I was so excited...well except for getting up at 6am lol. The race started at 7 and I finished right around 8:45! I was in pain and today my legs are killin' me, but I felt great! The endorphin rush was awesome! I walked a small bit just because my legs started to cramp, but I pretty much ran/jogged the entire thing! I was sooooo happy! When I finished I couldn't have been more proud! I was so happy I honestly could've cried lol. I actually did it, I ran a Marathon...it was a small Marathon, but I gotta start somewhere! lol.
While I was running I kept reminding myself that I am changing my life. I am getting healthy. I am doing this for me. Nobody else, but me. It was awesome! I took some pics before and after and a little bit during, so I've posted them below for ya!! :)
Everyone at the starting line! Me with my Nutritionist friend! :)
Me after the race...I was sore lol. Me with my mom!
Me crossing the finish line!!! :) Almost to the finish line....almost!
"Run Forrest, run!" lol.. I can see the finish line, just a little more!
At the start of the race.... The sign I had on my back during the race!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Chapter 34: I'm Back! (5K, Here I Come!)
Well my motivation has finally kicked back in! And it has had a lot of great changes these past few weeks! I've decided for sure to change my major to Dietetics, now the only thing is that I'm just really trying to keep my voice scholarship...so I'm trying to work that out.
BIG, BIG NEWS!!!!!! *Drum Roll>>>>>>>>>*
I ran my first ever full 5k (even though it wasn't an actual competition, I still ran it for practice). I've walked plenty of practice 5K's, but this was different. I started out and I told myself, "I will run this entire thing...no walking!" Well I started running and I felt great. It wasn't until I got to a hill on my road that my legs started to hurt. I pushed through it then once i got to the top I stopped for about 30 seconds, stretched then started up again. I repeated this process two more times out of the entire thing. My ending time was 47 minutes! I was so proud! Now for the really big news...............
Tomorrow is my first REAL 5K!!! It's the Fiddler 5K (it's a festival in my hometown that hosts a marathon)...I wasn't gonna do it but I talked to a friend of mine today and she really encouraged me to run it! So I'm going to. I won't finish first, but I really want to do it! I just hope I finish under and hour and without dieing haha! Well wish me luck! I'm hitting the sack so that I'll be ready...6am will come pretty early! :)
BIG, BIG NEWS!!!!!! *Drum Roll>>>>>>>>>*
I ran my first ever full 5k (even though it wasn't an actual competition, I still ran it for practice). I've walked plenty of practice 5K's, but this was different. I started out and I told myself, "I will run this entire thing...no walking!" Well I started running and I felt great. It wasn't until I got to a hill on my road that my legs started to hurt. I pushed through it then once i got to the top I stopped for about 30 seconds, stretched then started up again. I repeated this process two more times out of the entire thing. My ending time was 47 minutes! I was so proud! Now for the really big news...............
Tomorrow is my first REAL 5K!!! It's the Fiddler 5K (it's a festival in my hometown that hosts a marathon)...I wasn't gonna do it but I talked to a friend of mine today and she really encouraged me to run it! So I'm going to. I won't finish first, but I really want to do it! I just hope I finish under and hour and without dieing haha! Well wish me luck! I'm hitting the sack so that I'll be ready...6am will come pretty early! :)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Chapter 33: Am I Really Gonna Change My Major?
Well I've given it a lot of thought, and I think I'm going to change my major at school.
It's not that I don't enjoy my current major (Vocal Music Performance) but it's just that I never wanted singing to be a "chore". I don't enjoy singing like I did, and I often find myself dreading going to choir or anything like that. It's difficult to keep going when the one thing that you've done since you were two is the one thing that's turning against you.
I've been doing a lot of research and really thinking about this. I decided that I have two to three options if I do decide to change my major:
1. African American Studies
2. Spanish
3. Dietetics
Those are my top three choices right now. All three of them would be something I would love doing and I could get great jobs in all three fields. They are, however, in no particular order. The one I am leaning towards the most as of now would be option number three. Dietetics is basically diets, nutrition, fitness, etc. etc. I could get a job working as a Dietitian in hospitals, gyms, or even school systems. I could also work with overweight people and help them to lose weight. I also thought that doing this might be the great motivation I need to really kick start my weightloss back into gear and just shed the rest of these lbs off like butter! I mean who's gonna listen to a fat nutritionist?! lol...so I have to lose weight if I'm going to do this. And think about this, when I do lose the weight if I have a degree as a Dietetics Person Thingy then I can tell others about my story and maybe help someone who is in my shoes. I mean, I am in no way skinny, but I hope to change that within the next 9 months.
Well, let me know what you think. I would love your advice! :)
It's not that I don't enjoy my current major (Vocal Music Performance) but it's just that I never wanted singing to be a "chore". I don't enjoy singing like I did, and I often find myself dreading going to choir or anything like that. It's difficult to keep going when the one thing that you've done since you were two is the one thing that's turning against you.
I've been doing a lot of research and really thinking about this. I decided that I have two to three options if I do decide to change my major:
1. African American Studies
2. Spanish
3. Dietetics
Those are my top three choices right now. All three of them would be something I would love doing and I could get great jobs in all three fields. They are, however, in no particular order. The one I am leaning towards the most as of now would be option number three. Dietetics is basically diets, nutrition, fitness, etc. etc. I could get a job working as a Dietitian in hospitals, gyms, or even school systems. I could also work with overweight people and help them to lose weight. I also thought that doing this might be the great motivation I need to really kick start my weightloss back into gear and just shed the rest of these lbs off like butter! I mean who's gonna listen to a fat nutritionist?! lol...so I have to lose weight if I'm going to do this. And think about this, when I do lose the weight if I have a degree as a Dietetics Person Thingy then I can tell others about my story and maybe help someone who is in my shoes. I mean, I am in no way skinny, but I hope to change that within the next 9 months.
Well, let me know what you think. I would love your advice! :)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Chapter 32: Where Oh Where Has My Motivation Gone?!
It's happened...I've lost my motivation :(
I'm trying to get it back, but when you lose motivation it's like attempting to hang onto a car as it dangles off a cliff....there's no point in even trying because you know it's going to fall. I'm not strong enough to hold onto my motivation.
The past few days have been fine, but it's like since I haven't been in the gym and I've been doing all my workouts outside, I've just lost it. I haven't gained any weight, but I've only lost 3lbs since I've been home...I should been down to atleast a 10lb weight loss at this point in the summer. I'm not sure what to do. I can make myself go but it's soooooo much harder when I don't have the motivation.
I've been thinking and I believe the one sure thing that will kick my motivation back into gear is to watch a few episodes of The Biggest Loser. I still have them all on my computer/ipod so I think I'll just have to sit down and watch a couple. I'm really hoping and praying that doing that will help to motivate me. I really want to lose another 20lbs before I go back in August...and now it's coming down to the last month of summer, so I've really got to buckle down if I'm gonna do it.
I will lose 100lbs by March so I really need to just focus and take it. I have to convince myself that the pain is a good thing. I have to convince myself that I will NOT give up. I have to convince myself that I'm changing my life. I have to convince myself that I'm getting healthy. I have to convince myself that I will not stop. I have to convince myself that I'm living. I have to.
I'm trying to get it back, but when you lose motivation it's like attempting to hang onto a car as it dangles off a cliff....there's no point in even trying because you know it's going to fall. I'm not strong enough to hold onto my motivation.
The past few days have been fine, but it's like since I haven't been in the gym and I've been doing all my workouts outside, I've just lost it. I haven't gained any weight, but I've only lost 3lbs since I've been home...I should been down to atleast a 10lb weight loss at this point in the summer. I'm not sure what to do. I can make myself go but it's soooooo much harder when I don't have the motivation.
I've been thinking and I believe the one sure thing that will kick my motivation back into gear is to watch a few episodes of The Biggest Loser. I still have them all on my computer/ipod so I think I'll just have to sit down and watch a couple. I'm really hoping and praying that doing that will help to motivate me. I really want to lose another 20lbs before I go back in August...and now it's coming down to the last month of summer, so I've really got to buckle down if I'm gonna do it.
I will lose 100lbs by March so I really need to just focus and take it. I have to convince myself that the pain is a good thing. I have to convince myself that I will NOT give up. I have to convince myself that I'm changing my life. I have to convince myself that I'm getting healthy. I have to convince myself that I will not stop. I have to convince myself that I'm living. I have to.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Chapter 31: 5K @ 7am = Sore Muscles, Great Wakeup!
Well I woke up this morning and decided to join a friend of mine from church on a 5K trail. It was painful lol! I was sore during and after the trail, but I felt really good because I am actually able to jog/walk a 5K in under an hour. I was pretty darn excited about that!
While we were walking at around 7:30 this morning we were just listening to the birds, and looking at God's amazing creation! It was astounding! I got to thinking about how there are so many overweight, unhappy people that are physically unable to get out and walk or exercise and that breaks my heart. My mother was one of those people, which is why she had weight loss surgery, but to see people that are so unhappy in his or her own body and know that they can't do a thing about it is extremely sad. I used to think that I couldn't run or exercise because I was to fat, but the truth of the matter was that I was simply to LAZY to run or exercise. I didn't want to take time out to save my life. I was too lazy to live.
Now, even though I'm not thin, I'm healthier and I'm much more active...and I really and truly enjoy it! I enjoy eating healthy food and I enjoy being active. It sure beats the heck outta sitting on the couch all day! In a weird way I love the pain from working out or running. When my muscles ache and hurt, it means the workout is working. It didn't hit me until just a few days ago that a workout is called a "workout" because, for me, I'm working out the stress and I'm working out years of supressed anger. When I run or when I exercise it serves as my therapy. If I'm upset, it makes me run that much harder. It makes me push myself.
So yeah, that's a small update! Stay on the lookout for a NEW BLOG soon about my brandnew Nike Running Shoes! :) They're A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!! :)
While we were walking at around 7:30 this morning we were just listening to the birds, and looking at God's amazing creation! It was astounding! I got to thinking about how there are so many overweight, unhappy people that are physically unable to get out and walk or exercise and that breaks my heart. My mother was one of those people, which is why she had weight loss surgery, but to see people that are so unhappy in his or her own body and know that they can't do a thing about it is extremely sad. I used to think that I couldn't run or exercise because I was to fat, but the truth of the matter was that I was simply to LAZY to run or exercise. I didn't want to take time out to save my life. I was too lazy to live.
Now, even though I'm not thin, I'm healthier and I'm much more active...and I really and truly enjoy it! I enjoy eating healthy food and I enjoy being active. It sure beats the heck outta sitting on the couch all day! In a weird way I love the pain from working out or running. When my muscles ache and hurt, it means the workout is working. It didn't hit me until just a few days ago that a workout is called a "workout" because, for me, I'm working out the stress and I'm working out years of supressed anger. When I run or when I exercise it serves as my therapy. If I'm upset, it makes me run that much harder. It makes me push myself.
So yeah, that's a small update! Stay on the lookout for a NEW BLOG soon about my brandnew Nike Running Shoes! :) They're A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!! :)
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Chapter 30: Ghost of Chase Past
Well things are finally getting a little bit easier. I'm still stressed at work, but I'm really trying not to let it get to me. For those of you that read my very early blogs then you would have read something you may have just read over. It was in reference to my being an eating disorder sufferer. It started several years ago and has since been the cause of many problems that I have had. You may be wondering what I suffered from, well it started as binge eating, which is why I gained alot of weight, then it turned into bulimia then from there it grew into anorexia. I suffered from all three, at the same time. I would skip meals and only eat around 500 calories per day and then when I did eat, I would binge and then purge. It was a nightmare, but I couldn't stop. This went on for a while and I hid it extremely well. Not even my closest friends or family knew. Well one thing led to another and I ended up in the hospital because my body was beginning to "eat itself" from the words of my doctor. I got out, got better and maintained a healthy lifestyle. Now, keep in mind I was never 90lbs so it was really easy to hide, because I was a fat anorexic bulimic lol. Nobody had any idea.
I moved to Memphis in August of last year and I realized I had total control over my life...or so I thought. I started trying to lose weight again. I started working out and before I knew it I had slide back into the old rut and I had relapsed. I spent alot of my time in the bathroom or at Krystal eating as many little hamburgers as I could stuff in my mouth. I would then commence to go to an abandoned parking lot that I knew of and I would purge so that my roommate wouldn't know. This happened several times a week. I finally started going to therapy there on campus and it helped. I slowly started getting better and by the end of the semester I was once again back on a recovering track. This was around December, when I had my "medical scare" and it was then that I realized that I was only hurting my body and in order to lose weight I must do it the healthy way.
When I came back for Spring Semester it took every ounce of being that I had to fight off my EDs and to eat healthy and work out. Eating healthy was not really a big issue, but making sure I ate enough was. I went from eating 300-500 calories per day to 1500 calories per day. It was a big change. Many days I even found myself scrounging for food at the end of the day because I didn't have my calorie intake in. However, the more I worked out and ate healthy, the more weight I dropped. I realized I was finally doing it, and I felt great in the process.
The reason I'm writing this now is because for the past few days it seems everywhere I look something about Eating Disorders is popping up. I got a magazine the other day and it talked about men with EDs...I got a newspaper today and there was an article about teenage anorexics. The scary part is that I'm worried I'll relapse again. I'm terrified that I'll end up down that same road. If you'd like to know more, in depth stuff I'll be happy to tell you, but it's a long story and I'll prob. have to make it into another chapter lol. I know it hurts my body, but it was the eurphoria I got from binging and purging, it was the feeling of being in control. With this new job and my family and financial problems I don't feel that I'm in control and that scares me. We'll see how it goes I guess...thanks for reading :)
I moved to Memphis in August of last year and I realized I had total control over my life...or so I thought. I started trying to lose weight again. I started working out and before I knew it I had slide back into the old rut and I had relapsed. I spent alot of my time in the bathroom or at Krystal eating as many little hamburgers as I could stuff in my mouth. I would then commence to go to an abandoned parking lot that I knew of and I would purge so that my roommate wouldn't know. This happened several times a week. I finally started going to therapy there on campus and it helped. I slowly started getting better and by the end of the semester I was once again back on a recovering track. This was around December, when I had my "medical scare" and it was then that I realized that I was only hurting my body and in order to lose weight I must do it the healthy way.
When I came back for Spring Semester it took every ounce of being that I had to fight off my EDs and to eat healthy and work out. Eating healthy was not really a big issue, but making sure I ate enough was. I went from eating 300-500 calories per day to 1500 calories per day. It was a big change. Many days I even found myself scrounging for food at the end of the day because I didn't have my calorie intake in. However, the more I worked out and ate healthy, the more weight I dropped. I realized I was finally doing it, and I felt great in the process.
The reason I'm writing this now is because for the past few days it seems everywhere I look something about Eating Disorders is popping up. I got a magazine the other day and it talked about men with EDs...I got a newspaper today and there was an article about teenage anorexics. The scary part is that I'm worried I'll relapse again. I'm terrified that I'll end up down that same road. If you'd like to know more, in depth stuff I'll be happy to tell you, but it's a long story and I'll prob. have to make it into another chapter lol. I know it hurts my body, but it was the eurphoria I got from binging and purging, it was the feeling of being in control. With this new job and my family and financial problems I don't feel that I'm in control and that scares me. We'll see how it goes I guess...thanks for reading :)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Chapter 29: Extremely Overwhelmed
Well as you know, if you are a regular reader of my blogs, I have a new job working as a 911 Dispatcher in my county. Well today I finally cracked. I knew the job would be stressful but I didn't think it would be this bad. I had my trainer, a supervisor and my boss all in the room while I was trying to take calls and dispatch on the radio. They were letting me do it all by myself. Well for those of you that never listen to a police scanner, it's sometimes very difficult to understand them, therefore sometimes I couldn't tell who was calling in and what they were reporting. I started to get a little frustrated then the people around me just made it worse. They started quizzing me saying "Where are your officers?!...Make sure you know where they are!...Where is officer 404?!...Is 512 still on duty?...Where is he?...Ya gotta know this stuff...you gotta remember it!"
So I do what I always do when I'm under stress and pissed off...I got really quiet and all my answers were short and sweet. I didn't try to act like I maybe knew where the officer was I just blankly told them I didn't know. And keep in mind, this was about 30 minutes before my shift ended. As this was going on they were saying, "Aww, poor thing, he's so lost." and "Help him Janice, he don't know what he's doing...poor lil thang." This didn't make the situation better. I also have three computers that I have to keep track of and know what's going on with each one. I realized that if I make a mistake in telling an officer where to go, someone might die. Peoples' lives are in my hands when they call. They expect me to help them, and do it quickly. I can't do that.
I have no clue about some of the stuff that goes on and I feel so lost. I honestly felt like I was drowning today and they were all just standing around laughing at me as I splashed and gasped for breath. And today wasn't even that bad. I didn't take any emergency calls, but it was still alot going on at once. You have to be able to listen to the radio, to the phone, read the computer, and listen to the other dispatchers to know what's going on around you. I only have two ears and one brain. How can I listen to so many things at once and be able to actually comprehend each thing?
As I was leaving my boss said (while he laughed and patted me on the back), "Go home, get ya some whiskey, smoke a cigarette and relax. It ain't that bad." I just walked to the clock, clocked out, turned around and walked out the door without saying a word to anyone. Then my trainer followed me out as she was leaving too and she said, "Well honey I'll see ya Friday." So I turn around, somewhat joking yet serious at the same time, and said, "Maybe. Don't take it personal if i don't show up." Then of course she came over and played the mother figure saying all that, "Well it's hard and stressful, but it comes with time and experience. For a trainee you're doing a good job." Well that's just it, I don't have time nor experience, and you don't have time to spare when you're dealing with peoples' lives. I just nodded and got in my car.
Literally, as I was pulling out of my parking spot I could feel it...it was the dreaded "Stress Cry". Tears welled up and I made sure I was out of sight of the building and I let it roll. I cried for about a ten minute cry all the way home. I know that may sound sissy, but ya just gotta let it out sometimes and this was definately one of those times. I even had the lip quiver going haha.
So yeah, I'm sitting here typing this with a bottle of Tylenol PM and I'm gonna pop about three and go to bed. So my question to you: Do you think I'm wrong for being upset/stressed? If you were in my situation what would you do? I know, when I look on it a few months down the road it won't seem that terrible, but for the time being it's pretty bad. So let me know what you think. Thanks!
So I do what I always do when I'm under stress and pissed off...I got really quiet and all my answers were short and sweet. I didn't try to act like I maybe knew where the officer was I just blankly told them I didn't know. And keep in mind, this was about 30 minutes before my shift ended. As this was going on they were saying, "Aww, poor thing, he's so lost." and "Help him Janice, he don't know what he's doing...poor lil thang." This didn't make the situation better. I also have three computers that I have to keep track of and know what's going on with each one. I realized that if I make a mistake in telling an officer where to go, someone might die. Peoples' lives are in my hands when they call. They expect me to help them, and do it quickly. I can't do that.
I have no clue about some of the stuff that goes on and I feel so lost. I honestly felt like I was drowning today and they were all just standing around laughing at me as I splashed and gasped for breath. And today wasn't even that bad. I didn't take any emergency calls, but it was still alot going on at once. You have to be able to listen to the radio, to the phone, read the computer, and listen to the other dispatchers to know what's going on around you. I only have two ears and one brain. How can I listen to so many things at once and be able to actually comprehend each thing?
As I was leaving my boss said (while he laughed and patted me on the back), "Go home, get ya some whiskey, smoke a cigarette and relax. It ain't that bad." I just walked to the clock, clocked out, turned around and walked out the door without saying a word to anyone. Then my trainer followed me out as she was leaving too and she said, "Well honey I'll see ya Friday." So I turn around, somewhat joking yet serious at the same time, and said, "Maybe. Don't take it personal if i don't show up." Then of course she came over and played the mother figure saying all that, "Well it's hard and stressful, but it comes with time and experience. For a trainee you're doing a good job." Well that's just it, I don't have time nor experience, and you don't have time to spare when you're dealing with peoples' lives. I just nodded and got in my car.
Literally, as I was pulling out of my parking spot I could feel it...it was the dreaded "Stress Cry". Tears welled up and I made sure I was out of sight of the building and I let it roll. I cried for about a ten minute cry all the way home. I know that may sound sissy, but ya just gotta let it out sometimes and this was definately one of those times. I even had the lip quiver going haha.
So yeah, I'm sitting here typing this with a bottle of Tylenol PM and I'm gonna pop about three and go to bed. So my question to you: Do you think I'm wrong for being upset/stressed? If you were in my situation what would you do? I know, when I look on it a few months down the road it won't seem that terrible, but for the time being it's pretty bad. So let me know what you think. Thanks!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Chapter 28: 911, Migraine, & a Wedding
It's official, I've started taking calls at the 911 office, although as of now they are non-emergency, but I'm still taking calls, so I'm pretty excited :)
I haven't been running in a few days because I've been pretty sick. I had to shoot a wedding on Saturday then I stayed the night with my sister. For those of you that aren't aware, I worked for a professional photography studio for about three years then I started my own business. You should check out my website. I'll provide the link below.
So yeah I woke up Thursday morning with a terrible Migraine! I made it to work, and since I just sit there all day it works pretty good for me. I was so sick. Well I took my meds and the Migraine didn't seem to ease up any so I just figured it was too far along and that I just had to let it run it's course. Well it's now Monday and I STILL have it! It's not near as bad, but it's still there. I haven't been able to eat alot because of the nausea, so I'm worried about my poor metabolism lol. Anywho, I'm getting ready for work, and I'm gonna go to the park tonight and walk with my best friend so I'm hoping once this dang Migraine is gone, I can really jump back into running again. I miss it lol.
Well I'll see ya after work :)
My Photography Website
I haven't been running in a few days because I've been pretty sick. I had to shoot a wedding on Saturday then I stayed the night with my sister. For those of you that aren't aware, I worked for a professional photography studio for about three years then I started my own business. You should check out my website. I'll provide the link below.
So yeah I woke up Thursday morning with a terrible Migraine! I made it to work, and since I just sit there all day it works pretty good for me. I was so sick. Well I took my meds and the Migraine didn't seem to ease up any so I just figured it was too far along and that I just had to let it run it's course. Well it's now Monday and I STILL have it! It's not near as bad, but it's still there. I haven't been able to eat alot because of the nausea, so I'm worried about my poor metabolism lol. Anywho, I'm getting ready for work, and I'm gonna go to the park tonight and walk with my best friend so I'm hoping once this dang Migraine is gone, I can really jump back into running again. I miss it lol.
Well I'll see ya after work :)
My Photography Website
Monday, May 18, 2009
Chapter 27: Finally Home (Update)
Ok first off, I want to say thanks to everyone for the prayers and what not for my back...I feel much better. I think it was just a very badly pulled muscle, but I feel better now. MzzLily left a comment on my post but I accidently hit the reject button instead of accept :( So if you're reading this, I did get your comment and I appreciate it. I tried to go back and undo it, but once it happened I couldn't do anything :(
My back is doing better, so I'm back to running again. I'm home now for the summer and in a way I'm really excited and really scared all at the same time. I mean, this is the place that I got fat pretty much. It was the food here, and the lack of exercise that made me this way and now I'm back here. I'm hoping with my job this summer I'll stay busy and away from my house that way i'm not tempted to eat everything I see lol.
I just bought some Workout Mix CD's...I'm hoping they help. They seem really cool so I'm hoping I can listen to them while I run and it'll help inspire me haha.
I thought I should give you an update on the 5K this summer...as far as I know I am planning on doing it. It might possibly kill me and kick my butt in the process, but I really want to do it and once I start it, I WILL finish it. Whether I have to run or walk, I will finish. It's a 5K which is about 3.2 miles, so for me to run the entire thing would be a big accomplishment. I'm gonna start running more at the farm here versus on the treadmill that way I get used to hills and what not. The treadmill is flat and so it's fairly easy to run, but once you start running uphill it gets a little more difficult lol. But yeah, I'm pretty sure the marathon is the 4th of July at like 9am or something like that. I'll keep ya updated as it gets closer.
As all of you know I absolutely HATE weighing so I try not to do it very often lol; however, I came in last night from Memphis and after I put my stuff down and changed I stepped on the scale. I've lost around 40lbs of fat and I've gained about 6lbs of muscle since I've been lifting weights. I'm really excited because my clothes are starting to officially get big on me :) It's awesome lol!
Well I'll keep you guys posted with everything, but as for now I've got my tennis shoes on and my ipod in my pocket so I'm off to run. See ya! :)
My back is doing better, so I'm back to running again. I'm home now for the summer and in a way I'm really excited and really scared all at the same time. I mean, this is the place that I got fat pretty much. It was the food here, and the lack of exercise that made me this way and now I'm back here. I'm hoping with my job this summer I'll stay busy and away from my house that way i'm not tempted to eat everything I see lol.
I just bought some Workout Mix CD's...I'm hoping they help. They seem really cool so I'm hoping I can listen to them while I run and it'll help inspire me haha.
I thought I should give you an update on the 5K this summer...as far as I know I am planning on doing it. It might possibly kill me and kick my butt in the process, but I really want to do it and once I start it, I WILL finish it. Whether I have to run or walk, I will finish. It's a 5K which is about 3.2 miles, so for me to run the entire thing would be a big accomplishment. I'm gonna start running more at the farm here versus on the treadmill that way I get used to hills and what not. The treadmill is flat and so it's fairly easy to run, but once you start running uphill it gets a little more difficult lol. But yeah, I'm pretty sure the marathon is the 4th of July at like 9am or something like that. I'll keep ya updated as it gets closer.
As all of you know I absolutely HATE weighing so I try not to do it very often lol; however, I came in last night from Memphis and after I put my stuff down and changed I stepped on the scale. I've lost around 40lbs of fat and I've gained about 6lbs of muscle since I've been lifting weights. I'm really excited because my clothes are starting to officially get big on me :) It's awesome lol!
Well I'll keep you guys posted with everything, but as for now I've got my tennis shoes on and my ipod in my pocket so I'm off to run. See ya! :)
Friday, May 15, 2009
Chapter 26: No Internet, Pulled Muscle...Oh What A Great Week! :(
Ok guys, so this past Friday I had to move out of the dorms; however, the church I go to here in Memphis needed me to stay around for a week for some performances that we have. So I've been staying with this lady that sings in the choir with me and she only has one computer, and it's in her bedroom. Therefore I only get to use it when I ask her, or when she's not at home. That's why I haven't written a new blog recently. I really hope you guys are still reading. I'll keep updating it once I'm at home (which will be Sunday night). I've already got a few blogs typed on my laptop and all I have to do is transfer them over when I get home.
News: My dad got me a job this summer working as a 911 Dispatcher. I'm pretty excited! I'll be taking 911 calls and basically doing the whole "911, what is your emergency?...Ma'am, please calm down and tell me your address..." thing Etc. etc. I hope it goes over well. It's really good money though :) It's like 10 bucks an hour and I'm working part-time anywhere between 24 and 32 hours per week. So, yeah I'm pretty pumped! :)
Also, I went to the gym yesterday and ran...alot! I ended up running 1.5 miles in less than 35 minutes, running..not walking! It was great. However, once I got home and I was in the shower I noticed my right arm/shoulder/shoulder blade/back on the right side is KILLING ME! It hurts so bad so I think I must've pulled something. I really hope this doesn't affect my workout routine, but please keep me in your prayers that this will heal quickly. I can barely lift my arm so it has to be the muscle. Well thanks for everything guys! And like I said, I'll keep posting over the summer! :) Thanks!
*I promise once I get home I'll give ya some really good blogs to read. Just give me some time to get settled in next week and get my head screwed back on and you'll have your old blogs back lol. :)
News: My dad got me a job this summer working as a 911 Dispatcher. I'm pretty excited! I'll be taking 911 calls and basically doing the whole "911, what is your emergency?...Ma'am, please calm down and tell me your address..." thing Etc. etc. I hope it goes over well. It's really good money though :) It's like 10 bucks an hour and I'm working part-time anywhere between 24 and 32 hours per week. So, yeah I'm pretty pumped! :)
Also, I went to the gym yesterday and ran...alot! I ended up running 1.5 miles in less than 35 minutes, running..not walking! It was great. However, once I got home and I was in the shower I noticed my right arm/shoulder/shoulder blade/back on the right side is KILLING ME! It hurts so bad so I think I must've pulled something. I really hope this doesn't affect my workout routine, but please keep me in your prayers that this will heal quickly. I can barely lift my arm so it has to be the muscle. Well thanks for everything guys! And like I said, I'll keep posting over the summer! :) Thanks!
*I promise once I get home I'll give ya some really good blogs to read. Just give me some time to get settled in next week and get my head screwed back on and you'll have your old blogs back lol. :)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Chapter 25: Your Opinion?
Ok so I've realized that my workout routine is getting pretty competitive...running on the treadmill, riding the bike, and a little bit of weight training and that's it. So I wanted to ask you guys...what is your favorite exercise? It's getting very close to summer which means I'll be at home, which also means I won't necessarily have the gym everyday so I'm gonna start working out outside more. Anybody got any good pointers for some good outdoor workouts? Maybe your favorite workout? What about your favorite music to listen to while you workout? What's something that really pumps you up...? Leave me some comments and let me know :) Thanks!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Chapter 24: No Gym Time
I have a confession...I have only been to the gym once, for an hour, this past week.
I hate to use "Finals Week" as an excuse, but I've just been exhausted, running on a very limited amount of sleep, plus I've been studying and what not. As of now I'm working with about 8 hours of sleep total since Tuesday morning....not a good thing. However, that is still not an excuse to go. Classes are over now so I just need to buckle down and make myself go, even if I am exhausted. I went the other morning at 7:30 after pulling an all nighter in the library...that wore me out! I was already tired to begin with but after jogging/walking almost 2 miles I was out! I fell asleep multiple times during my Spanish Exam, however, I'm pretty much almost fluent so it wasn't too terrible. So I'm getting ready to head back to the library....I have rehearsal with my pianist tomorrow for my Voice Jury (aka. Voice Final) at 2pm and then I've got so much stuff to do before Monday. AHHHH!!!!
I hate to use "Finals Week" as an excuse, but I've just been exhausted, running on a very limited amount of sleep, plus I've been studying and what not. As of now I'm working with about 8 hours of sleep total since Tuesday morning....not a good thing. However, that is still not an excuse to go. Classes are over now so I just need to buckle down and make myself go, even if I am exhausted. I went the other morning at 7:30 after pulling an all nighter in the library...that wore me out! I was already tired to begin with but after jogging/walking almost 2 miles I was out! I fell asleep multiple times during my Spanish Exam, however, I'm pretty much almost fluent so it wasn't too terrible. So I'm getting ready to head back to the library....I have rehearsal with my pianist tomorrow for my Voice Jury (aka. Voice Final) at 2pm and then I've got so much stuff to do before Monday. AHHHH!!!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Chapter 23: End-Of-The-Semester Rush
Well it's that's time again. It's the end of the semester and here I am, in the library being distracted by Facebook, YouTube, and my blog...oh joy. I tend to do that alot, get distracted...it's my thing lol.
Yeah, so the end of the semester is upon me which means less time in the gym and more time in the library. It kinda sucks, but I'm aware that it's what I have to do in order to keep my grades up. Oh well...hopefully everything goes well.
I had to sing in my Voice Divisional this past Wednesday and I've been sick as a dog! It stinks! My allergies always seem to kick into overdrive whenever I have an important performance coming up. Plus I'm also singing a solo in a concert this Sunday for Chamber Choir.
So yeah, that's a quick update...look for more soon! :)
Yeah, so the end of the semester is upon me which means less time in the gym and more time in the library. It kinda sucks, but I'm aware that it's what I have to do in order to keep my grades up. Oh well...hopefully everything goes well.
I had to sing in my Voice Divisional this past Wednesday and I've been sick as a dog! It stinks! My allergies always seem to kick into overdrive whenever I have an important performance coming up. Plus I'm also singing a solo in a concert this Sunday for Chamber Choir.
So yeah, that's a quick update...look for more soon! :)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Chapter 22: Motivation On Empty
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being unhealthy. I'm tired of working out. I'm tired of dieting. I'm just tired.
I look at myself in the mirror and I can't tell I've lost any weight. I look at myself and I want to be skinny. I want to healthy, but it seems the one thing I want the most is the one thing that is the farthest away. I am determined and motivated to be thin, but it's taking alot longer and alot more work than I had anticipated. Sure I didn't get fat overnight and I won't get fit overnight either, but I'm just discouraged seeing as how it's so draining.
I was talking to one of my really good friends tonight and I was just down because I'm lacking motivation. And she said something to me that literally made my cry, but it inspired me. She said:
"Everyone struggles with body image and it's hard to get motivated and actually act on your desires of looking a certain way, but it's a battle worth fighting for and in the end, it's worth every broken sweat, every fast food meal skipped, every fruit eaten, all of that! It's all so worth it in the end! You will get through this! I SOO believe in you! And I WILL NOT let you fall! I promise! I've got you."
-Kimmy
As we were talking I said I'm just so tired of being the outcast. Overweight people are treated like we don't belong. We're in a world that wasn't made for us. The seats in the theatre are too small, the airplane seatbelts don't fit, the school desks aren't big enough, the roller coaster bars won't come down over our stomachs...we are just to big for everything. I was talking to a friend the other night and I told her that fat people are treated like we're disabled. People think we're incapable of doing things just because we're fat. I'm just tired of not fitting in. I'm tired of meeting new people and you can see in their face that the first thing they think of you is, "Wow...he's really fat." It's hard knowing that people automatically judge you before they even get to know you. It's just difficult living in a world where you feel like you don't belong.
I'm ready to change.
I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being unhealthy. I'm tired of working out. I'm tired of dieting. I'm just tired.
I look at myself in the mirror and I can't tell I've lost any weight. I look at myself and I want to be skinny. I want to healthy, but it seems the one thing I want the most is the one thing that is the farthest away. I am determined and motivated to be thin, but it's taking alot longer and alot more work than I had anticipated. Sure I didn't get fat overnight and I won't get fit overnight either, but I'm just discouraged seeing as how it's so draining.
I was talking to one of my really good friends tonight and I was just down because I'm lacking motivation. And she said something to me that literally made my cry, but it inspired me. She said:
"Everyone struggles with body image and it's hard to get motivated and actually act on your desires of looking a certain way, but it's a battle worth fighting for and in the end, it's worth every broken sweat, every fast food meal skipped, every fruit eaten, all of that! It's all so worth it in the end! You will get through this! I SOO believe in you! And I WILL NOT let you fall! I promise! I've got you."
-Kimmy
As we were talking I said I'm just so tired of being the outcast. Overweight people are treated like we don't belong. We're in a world that wasn't made for us. The seats in the theatre are too small, the airplane seatbelts don't fit, the school desks aren't big enough, the roller coaster bars won't come down over our stomachs...we are just to big for everything. I was talking to a friend the other night and I told her that fat people are treated like we're disabled. People think we're incapable of doing things just because we're fat. I'm just tired of not fitting in. I'm tired of meeting new people and you can see in their face that the first thing they think of you is, "Wow...he's really fat." It's hard knowing that people automatically judge you before they even get to know you. It's just difficult living in a world where you feel like you don't belong.
I'm ready to change.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Chapter 21: I Am...
I am smart.
I am talented.
I am attractive.
I am funny.
I am nice.
I am kind.
I am friendly.
I am a Memphis Tiger.
I am loved.
I am a leader.
I am a student.
I am a singer.
I am a dancer.
I am an actor.
I am a friend.
I am a brother.
I am a son.
I am a cousin.
I am a grandson.
I am a role-model.
I am happy.
I am a 4-Her.
I am an inspiration.
I am strong.
I am a man.
I am heterosexual.
I am different.
I am joyful.
I am equal.
I am overweight.
I am fun.
I am a musician.
I am bilingual.
I am dedicated.
I am motivated.
I am a music major.
I am white.
I am an American.
I am a poet.
I am a writer.
I am a listener.
I am a Christian.
I am determined.
I am a choir member.
I am passionate.
I am successful.
I am.....
What are you?
*I think too many times we focus on all the bad stuff about one another or about ourselves. Why not focus on the good stuff for once? I challenge you to make a list of all your good attributes, or even just a list of things that others use to describe you. It really forces you to step back and see how others perceive you, or how you perceive yourself. See how many you can come up with. You might surprise yourself.
I am talented.
I am attractive.
I am funny.
I am nice.
I am kind.
I am friendly.
I am a Memphis Tiger.
I am loved.
I am a leader.
I am a student.
I am a singer.
I am a dancer.
I am an actor.
I am a friend.
I am a brother.
I am a son.
I am a cousin.
I am a grandson.
I am a role-model.
I am happy.
I am a 4-Her.
I am an inspiration.
I am strong.
I am a man.
I am heterosexual.
I am different.
I am joyful.
I am equal.
I am overweight.
I am fun.
I am a musician.
I am bilingual.
I am dedicated.
I am motivated.
I am a music major.
I am white.
I am an American.
I am a poet.
I am a writer.
I am a listener.
I am a Christian.
I am determined.
I am a choir member.
I am passionate.
I am successful.
I am.....
What are you?
*I think too many times we focus on all the bad stuff about one another or about ourselves. Why not focus on the good stuff for once? I challenge you to make a list of all your good attributes, or even just a list of things that others use to describe you. It really forces you to step back and see how others perceive you, or how you perceive yourself. See how many you can come up with. You might surprise yourself.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Chapter 20: Twitter
So it's official. I have a "Twitter" account...I'm not really sure what this is going to do, but I'll try to keep it updated atleast a few times a week, so if you're on Twitter check it out. Also, if you're on Facebook and would like to add me you can do so also. I'm under "Chase Ellis Ferrell" and my networks are Memphis TN and DeKalb County High School. Thanks guys!
Twitter Page
Twitter Page
Chapter 19: Skipping the Gym
So it's official, I haven't been to the gym today and to be completely honest I don't feel so bad about it. I work out everyday and I work my butt off so I figured today would be my off day. I normally don't get to work out on Wednesday anyways because I'm so busy from about 8am to 10pm every Wednesday and the gym is closed by the time I have time to go. But today I had time and I didn't go. In a way I was upset with myself but then I realized, I'm working my butt off...literally. I should be allowed at least one day out of the week to let my muscles heal themselves. During my free-time I caught up with some homework, listened to some music, read some on my book, and I just took a thirty minute shower and it felt great. I'm actually looking forward to NOT going to the gym for the first time in about two weeks lol. It feels like a vacation today.
Last night on the bike I was at about an hour when I realized I needed to up my game. I took the level up to 15 which is the equivilant to riding up a hill, and I told myself I would do that for five minutes while staying above 12mph. It was so dang hard! It hurt my legs. It hurt my butt. It hurt my stomach. I felt it. I got to about 4 minutes and my legs were killing me. I felt like my muscles were going to jump out of my legs and go on strike. But I kept pushing myself. I was sweating gallons and I was focusing on keeping my breathing under control (I'm a classically trained singer so that's one thing I'm good at lol). I got to about thirty seconds away from my five minute marker and it seemed my legs were on fire. I was talking to myself and I actually had to make myself get angry and agressive inorder to get that last pump of adrenaline. I had my book, "Half-Assed", in front of me and I remembered I had placed my "Before" picture in there. I grabbed that book like it was a million dollars, rapidly searched through the paper back binding and creme colored pages until I found it. I held it up and looked at it. "Do you wanna be like that again?!" I repeated that in my head and before I knew it I was already at 5.10 minutes. I slowed down to 8mph and set the level on 5. I had done it. I had pushed myself. I realized that I was getting stronger, not only physically but mentally also. I was finding out what I could do, how far I could push myself, and what really motiviated me.
Last night on the bike I was at about an hour when I realized I needed to up my game. I took the level up to 15 which is the equivilant to riding up a hill, and I told myself I would do that for five minutes while staying above 12mph. It was so dang hard! It hurt my legs. It hurt my butt. It hurt my stomach. I felt it. I got to about 4 minutes and my legs were killing me. I felt like my muscles were going to jump out of my legs and go on strike. But I kept pushing myself. I was sweating gallons and I was focusing on keeping my breathing under control (I'm a classically trained singer so that's one thing I'm good at lol). I got to about thirty seconds away from my five minute marker and it seemed my legs were on fire. I was talking to myself and I actually had to make myself get angry and agressive inorder to get that last pump of adrenaline. I had my book, "Half-Assed", in front of me and I remembered I had placed my "Before" picture in there. I grabbed that book like it was a million dollars, rapidly searched through the paper back binding and creme colored pages until I found it. I held it up and looked at it. "Do you wanna be like that again?!" I repeated that in my head and before I knew it I was already at 5.10 minutes. I slowed down to 8mph and set the level on 5. I had done it. I had pushed myself. I realized that I was getting stronger, not only physically but mentally also. I was finding out what I could do, how far I could push myself, and what really motiviated me.
Chapter 18: I AM The Biggest Loser
Ok so if it's not obvious enough I'm a huge BL fan! I've seen every episode this season and I own the entire season on my iPod. I don't own a TV in my dorm room so the only place for me to watch the BL (other than a friends' room) is at the gym. The treadmills have TVs on them so that's my main excuse to go to the gym every Tuesday lol. But I've realized once I go to the gym on Tuesday it's so much easier to go everyday after that. It just gets me in the mood to work out lol. Tuesday is pretty much the first day of the week for me.
While I watch the BL it really motivates me and encourages me to push through the pain and reach my limits. I never watch the show unless I'm at the gym. I honestly think I've seen every episode this season atleast three times haha. Watching the show while I workout honestly does something for me. It's like when I hear Bob or Jillian yelling at the contestants to "Go!" or "Push!" it really makes me work even harder. There was one day in particular that I was jogging (and I normally don't jog, at least not a month ago when this happened) and I got really tired and decided to stop when suddenly, out of my iPod came the great voice of Jillian. She was yelling at Aubrey telling her to push. She was reminding her that her family needed her and her friends need her...my heart skipped a few beats because for a split second I actually felt like Jillian was there with me, standing infront of my treadmill screaming in my face. I jogged until a commercial came on lol.
Watching the BL this season has really changed my life. I feel like I'm there with the contestants, getting healthy with them. It's amazing! One of my favorite episodes is towards the beginning when the teams are going across the river in these little tiny boats with peddles. Once they get to the other side, they race up a mountain in order to gain imunity. Tara wins, of course, but the part that stood out to me was when Dan was climbing the mountain. His other teams mates went down to help him. As they were pushing him and encouraging him Mike looked at him and said, "You're showing every overweight teenager they can do it." That part in the show really touched my heart and made me realize that I have the strength and ability to do this. It will hurt and I will be in pain, but I didn't get fat overnight and I'm not going to get healthy overnight.
Another episode that really struck a place with me is episode 11 where they go home and compete in the marathon. The first time I watched this it didn't really say anything to me, then I was watching it again Monday afternoon and something happened. I decided to run for a minute then that minute turned into two. I stopped and started walking again. I caught my breath. The episode, at this point, was at the part where they were starting the marathon. Everyone was starting off strong, but they slowly started to get tired. I watched these amazing people and realized if they can do it, then so can I. I bumped the speed up to about 4.8 and started running again. I was at about 2.60 miles and I told myself I was going to run half a mile, without stopping. In the back of my mind I told myself it wasn't possible, but then watching all these amazing contestants run a marathon my mentality started to change. I kept running. They all jogged around the tracks. I kept going. I started getting tired and my legs were burning. As though they knew that I was doing this with them each of the family members and friends of the contestants started cheering for them and saying how proud they were of them. I told myself they were cheering for me. My friends and family are proud of me. I kept going. I finally got to 3 miles and I thought I was dieing. I wanted to stop. I wanted to give up. I kept running. I reached 3.07 miles...I kept going. I finally reached 3.10 miles which put me at exactly .50 miles. I literally stopped and stepped on the railing of the treadmill for a minute to catch my breath when something happened. I got extremely emotional. I started crying. I think I wrote about this in an earlier blog, but I don't care lol. For me that moment was amazing. I realized I was getting healthy and it was all because of the Biggest Loser.
I may have never met these people, and probably never will, but they are my heros. Each and everyone of them saved my life. And they are still saving my life. It's incredible. I could never thank them enough. I don't care who wins this season...in my heart, I am the biggest loser.
While I watch the BL it really motivates me and encourages me to push through the pain and reach my limits. I never watch the show unless I'm at the gym. I honestly think I've seen every episode this season atleast three times haha. Watching the show while I workout honestly does something for me. It's like when I hear Bob or Jillian yelling at the contestants to "Go!" or "Push!" it really makes me work even harder. There was one day in particular that I was jogging (and I normally don't jog, at least not a month ago when this happened) and I got really tired and decided to stop when suddenly, out of my iPod came the great voice of Jillian. She was yelling at Aubrey telling her to push. She was reminding her that her family needed her and her friends need her...my heart skipped a few beats because for a split second I actually felt like Jillian was there with me, standing infront of my treadmill screaming in my face. I jogged until a commercial came on lol.
Watching the BL this season has really changed my life. I feel like I'm there with the contestants, getting healthy with them. It's amazing! One of my favorite episodes is towards the beginning when the teams are going across the river in these little tiny boats with peddles. Once they get to the other side, they race up a mountain in order to gain imunity. Tara wins, of course, but the part that stood out to me was when Dan was climbing the mountain. His other teams mates went down to help him. As they were pushing him and encouraging him Mike looked at him and said, "You're showing every overweight teenager they can do it." That part in the show really touched my heart and made me realize that I have the strength and ability to do this. It will hurt and I will be in pain, but I didn't get fat overnight and I'm not going to get healthy overnight.
Another episode that really struck a place with me is episode 11 where they go home and compete in the marathon. The first time I watched this it didn't really say anything to me, then I was watching it again Monday afternoon and something happened. I decided to run for a minute then that minute turned into two. I stopped and started walking again. I caught my breath. The episode, at this point, was at the part where they were starting the marathon. Everyone was starting off strong, but they slowly started to get tired. I watched these amazing people and realized if they can do it, then so can I. I bumped the speed up to about 4.8 and started running again. I was at about 2.60 miles and I told myself I was going to run half a mile, without stopping. In the back of my mind I told myself it wasn't possible, but then watching all these amazing contestants run a marathon my mentality started to change. I kept running. They all jogged around the tracks. I kept going. I started getting tired and my legs were burning. As though they knew that I was doing this with them each of the family members and friends of the contestants started cheering for them and saying how proud they were of them. I told myself they were cheering for me. My friends and family are proud of me. I kept going. I finally got to 3 miles and I thought I was dieing. I wanted to stop. I wanted to give up. I kept running. I reached 3.07 miles...I kept going. I finally reached 3.10 miles which put me at exactly .50 miles. I literally stopped and stepped on the railing of the treadmill for a minute to catch my breath when something happened. I got extremely emotional. I started crying. I think I wrote about this in an earlier blog, but I don't care lol. For me that moment was amazing. I realized I was getting healthy and it was all because of the Biggest Loser.
I may have never met these people, and probably never will, but they are my heros. Each and everyone of them saved my life. And they are still saving my life. It's incredible. I could never thank them enough. I don't care who wins this season...in my heart, I am the biggest loser.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Chapter 17: Skinny Fatties
Well I was own my way back to my room a few minutes ago after a 3 hour workout and some shopping at Kroger (I had run out of Whole Grain Bread, Mustard, and Low-Fat Turkey lol) when I got on the elevator and saw this guy standing there. He was probably around 120lbs and had about 3% body fat. Then what shocked me the most was that he was holding, in his right hand, a 24-pack of Oreo cookies and a Dr. Pepper, then in his left hand he was holding 3, yes THREE, Rice Krispy Treats! That's insane. I wanted to look at him and just say, "Fatass" but I didn't know him and I figured he was like a master a kungfu or something so I kept my mouth shut. I just turned around to face the door and rolled my eyes.
People like that drive me insane. I call them Skinny Fatties because they are. My roommate is one of those people lol (Love ya Mike!). They could eat all day long, and they could eat crap and they would still not gain an ounce. It drives me crazy. I eat healthy food and I gain weight, let alone eating 24 oreos, three rice krispy treats and a Dr. Pepper.
Well what really matters is that I know that stuff is bad for you now. About six months ago that would have been a meal for me. That and probably a bag of chips and some other random crap. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was bad then, but I never took a second thought about what I put into my body. Now that I have been watching what I eat I've realized it's so hard to eat healthy unless you fix the food on your own. So that's what I've been doing. I've been eating lots of fruit and I fix alot of turkey sandwiches on whole grain bread with some mustard and a slice of low-fat cheese. And that will be a meal for me now, versus what I would have before.
To all you Skinny Fatties: If you can eat that stuff and stay skinny then more power to ya, but I understand now the importance of what I put into my body. Have fun eating all that junk, because when you hit about thirty and your metabolism catches up with you, don't come crying to me when you're no longer a Skinny Fatty, but just a Fatty. Have fun :)
People like that drive me insane. I call them Skinny Fatties because they are. My roommate is one of those people lol (Love ya Mike!). They could eat all day long, and they could eat crap and they would still not gain an ounce. It drives me crazy. I eat healthy food and I gain weight, let alone eating 24 oreos, three rice krispy treats and a Dr. Pepper.
Well what really matters is that I know that stuff is bad for you now. About six months ago that would have been a meal for me. That and probably a bag of chips and some other random crap. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was bad then, but I never took a second thought about what I put into my body. Now that I have been watching what I eat I've realized it's so hard to eat healthy unless you fix the food on your own. So that's what I've been doing. I've been eating lots of fruit and I fix alot of turkey sandwiches on whole grain bread with some mustard and a slice of low-fat cheese. And that will be a meal for me now, versus what I would have before.
To all you Skinny Fatties: If you can eat that stuff and stay skinny then more power to ya, but I understand now the importance of what I put into my body. Have fun eating all that junk, because when you hit about thirty and your metabolism catches up with you, don't come crying to me when you're no longer a Skinny Fatty, but just a Fatty. Have fun :)
Monday, April 13, 2009
Chapter 16: Takin' It Back
Well the great thing about having this brandnew iPod touch is that anywhere I have I have a wifi connection I can write blogs, send emails, checkmy facebook and everything else...it's great :) so yeah I'm currently at the gym riding the bike now as I'm typing this and I gave some big news (well it is for me anyway LOL) I just ran, yes ran, half a mile on the treadmill, without stopping. It's been about 8 years since I've ran that much. You maybe thinking "oh that's not that much." well let me just tell you as an obese person, that half mile kicked my ass.
I had to really push myself and it was so much harder than I'd ever imagined. My stamina is building up but it's still extremely difficult to run for about six minutes without stopping. At the end, after realizing I had just done something that I haven't done since middle school, I got extremely emotional. I literally had to stop running to hide my face so that people wouldn't think I was crazy. It was at that moment that I realized I'm finally taking my life back. It's my life and I'm finally taking charge to get healthy. It feels great. Sure running kills your legs and your lungs are sore but at the same time I know running half a mile means I'm taking my life back. I'm no longer trapped inside almost 300lbs of a prison. It's time to up mygame. I WILL lose 100lbs. I will get healthy. I will take my life back.
I had to really push myself and it was so much harder than I'd ever imagined. My stamina is building up but it's still extremely difficult to run for about six minutes without stopping. At the end, after realizing I had just done something that I haven't done since middle school, I got extremely emotional. I literally had to stop running to hide my face so that people wouldn't think I was crazy. It was at that moment that I realized I'm finally taking my life back. It's my life and I'm finally taking charge to get healthy. It feels great. Sure running kills your legs and your lungs are sore but at the same time I know running half a mile means I'm taking my life back. I'm no longer trapped inside almost 300lbs of a prison. It's time to up mygame. I WILL lose 100lbs. I will get healthy. I will take my life back.
Chapter 15: Body Builder?
Ok so I just woke up...I know, terrible, but I'm getting ready and I'm on my way to lunch here in a few minutes. After lunch I'm going to go workout. Now the key to eating before working out is eating plenty of carbs and protein for energy. It also jump starts your metabolism and helps you to burn weight faster.
Something that I've noticed within the past week or so, with working out AND weight training, is that I'm not getting enough protein. I can just feel it because I'm exhausted and my body doesn't feel like it used to. I eat a lot, especially before I go workout, but I'm just not getting enough protein (chicken, tuna, shrimp, etc.).
I talked to a good friend of mine, who's a body body builder, and he suggest Optimum Nutrition Whey Protein Shakes. The container is about 5lbs of powder and it's around $30, but he said it tastes really good and each serving has something like 20 grams of protein. I also did some research and almost every body builder that I've read about drinks at-least three protein shakes a day. I probably would only have to do one or two since I'm only working out around three hours a day. I looked up the shake powder online and you can buy it at GNC and there is one just right down the road from the university here, so when I get paid at the end of the month I'll probably go buy it. I just hope it tastes good lol. My mom used to drink protein shakes after her surgery and she said they taste like crap, so I hope I'm not wasting my money lol. But then again I could spend $30 on the powder and it would save money because I wouldn't have to spend as much on raw fish, chicken and other foods to get my protein.
So yeah, I'm getting ready to go eat some lunch and then I'm going to go to the gym. Wish me luck! :)
*Should I buy the protein shake mix? Or should I just start eating more protein dense meat instead? Please comment and let me know :)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Chapter 14: Sleep? No...
Well here it is, 1am and I'm still up. I went to bed around 8pm earlier and then I woke up around 11pm and I haven't gone back to bed since....I tend to do that alot if I go to sleep early. I guess I'm just not used to it. But here I am, 1am, doing absolutely nothing but sitting here browsing the internet. I've realized I have a new obsession: Shoes, and not just any shoes, but running shoes.
I love running shoes, everything about them. The shape, the design, the colors, the flexibility. Something about running shoes makes me want to run. So I've been doing some browsing online trying to find a really nice, yet affordable, pair of running shoes. Most of the ones that I've found that I like are between $60 and $80, but there is this one pair....they're Nikes. I'm such a dork I've even included a pic of them lol.
They're a beauty! And I want them sooooo bad. The only catch is that they're about $120. That's WAY more than I've ever paid for shoes and I've never been the type of person to spend that kind of money on a pair of shoes (I settle just fine for Old Navy FlipFlops at $2.50 a pair), however, the way I see it is that you pay for quality. So if I buy a really nice, somewhat expensive pair of running shoes they will probably last me for a while, right? I just really want them so I guess I'm trying to rationalize buying them lol. Then I thought about it...if I can spend almost $400 on an iPod touch, which is technically something that I don't really need, then I can spend $120 on a pair of shoes that I really do need. My old running shoes are not really running shoes and they rub a spot on the back of my foot from time to time...not really comfortable when I'm running. Well...I guess I'll look into getting them when I get paid at the end of this month. Maybe I can convince my parents to pay some on them haha. Gotta love parents!
*What do you think? Comment and let me know if you think I should buy them? Should I spend that much money on a pair of shoes?
Chapter 13: Where I've Been and Where I Am Now
Ok here it is...this is my official "before" and "after" picture as of about a week ago. The "before" was taken at Christmas when I was at 290lbs. This is the picture I was talking about that I compared to the current one. It's scary lol.
Chapter 12: Finally Caught Up
Well it is now April 12 and I'm officially up to date with my blog. The rough part about starting a blog is that several blogs are spent describing your story, etc. etc. But now that I'm finally caught up with my story and where I am now I can start writing daily blogs, or atleast a few per week.
I worked out today for about three hours and it was so dang exhausting. I got back from church around 12:30, after having been there since 8am for Easter Services, and I was just exhausted so I decided to take a thirty minute nap. The nap lasted for about ten minutes when I was awoken...awakened...awaked....woked....um, yeah you get the picture...anyhow I was disturbed from a deep, peaceful sleep by people being hoodlums yelling in the hallway, running up and down the hall acting crazy. So I decided to get up. I then checked my facebook and realized I really needed to go workout. I was tired and didn't feel like it, but I knew I needed to. I sat at my computer for a few minutes then decided to get ready. I made my way to the gym where I worked out for about three hours. I went from the treadmill to weight training to the smaller bike then to the larger "mountain" bike. The whole time I had to keep telling myself to workout and to push through it. I was already there...I might as well work.
Since I've started working out my stamina has really built up and I'm able to do things that I haven't been able to do in years. For example, I can now RUN at a brisk pace for about three minutes at a time. Hey! That's alot of time for a fat person lol. I think running is one of the most exciting things. It really makes me feel amazing. I can't wait until I'm about 160lbs and then I can just run everywhere lol.
I also just bought an iPod touch which is sooooooooooooooo amazing. I get wifi at the gym so while I'm on the treadmill or the bike I can email, check my facebook, and even write blogs! It's such an amazing little gadget. :)
Well it's about 10:50pm so I should probably hit the sack. Please keep reading and I'll keep updating...Thanks guys!
Chapter 11: Finally Public
Spring Break was over and I had made my way back to school. I had more motivation in me at this point than most people have in their entire lives. Even my choir director at school had made comments on my weight-loss. I was determined, motivated, and dedicated. I was back at the gym and I was still going strong. Until April. April hit and I slowly started slacking for the first week or so. I couldn't have that. As soon as the first week was over I jumped right back on the band wagon....I'm not sure why it's always a wagon, maybe it's easier to fall off versus falling "out of the Mustang".
I worked my butt off for the weeks following and I told myself I would lose weight. It wasn't really until this point that I made my official goal: To lose 100lbs by my 20th birthday which is March 20, 2010. I began to tell people about my goal and everyone really supported me. While working out I started tanning again as an added boost of confidence. I also talked to a few people and learned that the Daily Helmsman would actually write an article about me showcasing my weight-loss and showing others that you can change your life. This is to be written in March of 2010. All of this is great and all but at the same time it scares the crap out of me. What if I don't meet my goal? What if I fail? Everyone will be let down, and at this point pretty much every person I know knows that I'm losing weight. It's no longer just for me.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Chapter 10: Looking in the Mirror
I stood looking in the mirror realizing that I couldn't tell I had lost. I still looked just as fat as before. How could people tell? I was still fat. Fat people all look the same. It's all fat. I couldn't see it. Finally after about a week of saying, "I can't tell. I don't see it." I decided to take a picture of myself then I compared it to a picture my mom had of me at Christmas.
It was hideous.
I looked so fat. My cheeks were fat, my face was fat, my stomach was fat, my legs were fat, my neck was fat. Everything was fat. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still fat. I'm still overweight, but I didn't look anything like that person in the picture. I almost broke down again looking at it. I asked if I could keep the picture. My mom said yes and I placed it in my planner. I wanted to keep it as motivation.
I looked at the picture all the time. I couldn't believe I had let myself get so fat. I was so angry with myself. Now I was going through the pain of working out and pushing myself to my limits because I didn't care about my body these past 18 years.
This was a change. This was no longer a game of "Workout and Diet"...this was serious. I will lose weight. I had no other option. It was either lose weight or die as a fat person. I wanted to be healthy.
Chapter 9: The True Test
I unloaded my car and put my things in my room. I then got into my PJs, since it was already about 10pm, and made my way into the laundry room which is where the scale was located. I turned on the light and stood there looking at it. I honestly felt like I was waiting to hear my verdict for murder. I finally took a deep breath and stepped on the scale.
The needle spun around and bounced into the 200's. I couldn't look. I finally heard the needle stop moving. I slowly looked down. My heart was beating and I felt like I could die at any minute. The scale read "260"....my mouth dropped and I nearly fainted. Tears welled up in my eyes when I did the math in my head and realized I had dropped 30lbs in less than three months.
I stepped off the scale and stood there, looking at the scale, my mouth open, still dumbfounded that I had lost 30lbs. I stepped back on it, shaking my head, believing that something must be wrong. Once again it read "260". I stepped off and walked into the living room. I was almost in tears as I looked at my dad and said "I've lost 30 pounds." He looked at me, smiled, and said "That's great Chase!"
For once in my life I felt worth something. I quickly went to the computer and went to the same site as before to find my BMI. I typed in my height and weight and it read "Obese". I was Obese, no longer Morbidly Obese, but just Obese. My heart dropped and I knew this was no longer a great start, but this was a great accomplishment. I had not weighed 260 since Sophomore year of high school. It was a great feeling.
My mom and sister came home and they noticed too. Throughout Spring Break I ran into many old friends and some noticed while others could probably care less. But I didn't mind. I was doing this for me, nobody else. I noticed and that's all that mattered. Or so I thought.
Chapter 8: Going Home
February passed and March began. I was still motivated and was still doing great with my Lifestyle Change Plan and my workout. I was going to the gym several times a week and I was eating three meals a day and snacking in between, which is suggested by all nutrition experts. My metabolism had finally kicked in. I was very excited. My clothes started to get a little bit bigger, but I couldn't really tell. I had always bought clothes that were about a size to small just because I was now in the biggest size in any regular store and I told myself I would never shop in a "Fat Store". So my clothes were no longer squeezing the life out of me, but they were actually fitting comfortably. I kept working out, eating healthy and taking the stairs (ten flights to my dorm was crazy, but I was willing to do it).
The third week of March was Spring Break. I was excited to be going home, but also very nervous. I had not weighed since Christmas and the scale read 290. I had also not seen anyone back home since then. What if they didn't notice? Or even worse, what if I had only lost like five or ten pounds? I was worried that it would discourage me and I would be devastated. I knew how I would react. I would be upset, cry and then I would quit trying. I was scared to death.
I got in the car and made the six hour drive home. I got there and my dad was the only one there. It was my sister's birthday so my mom had taken her and some friends out to the movies. I walked through the door and the first thing my dad did, other than hug me, was compliment my weight. My insides finally eased up and I let out a sigh of relief. He noticed, which means I've obviously lost some weight. But then again, he knew that I'd been working out, so maybe he was just trying to encourage me. The only way to tell was the weigh myself. The scale never lies.
Chapter 7: A NEW Beginning
Christmas was over and January had started. Time to get back to school. Classes started back on the 15th and I arrived at school more motivated than I’d ever been. I was prepared to conquer the world. Contrary to what my family and friends had said, I did pretty well the first week back. I ate things like Subway, Chicken Salad Sandwiches on Wheat Bread, Baked Chips, WATER, and no sweets. I was still motivated and was still going. I also started going to the gym. I was no longer just walking on the treadmill for a boring hour then going back to my room where I would then eat a bag of chips and some candy (Like I was doing the semester before), but instead I would eat a pretty big meal about an hour before I worked out. I would then work out and didn’t feel the need to binge afterwards. I felt proud. It was a great beginning. Of course, everything was a “great beginning” but after the second week I realized, this was no longer the beginning. The beginning had already happened at Christmas. I realized mid-February that I was well into my Weight-loss Journey. That motivated me even more.
Chapter 6: Fat Man's Holiday
The next morning I got up and decided to start my day off with a healthy breakfast. I had lean ham, eggs with no salt, wheat toast, and an apple. This was a good start to a new life. The days following this I continued to eat healthy and stopped drinking soda all together. Then Christmas came along…yep, the food, the chocolate, everything. I like to call it "Fat Man's Holiday", not because of Santa but because it was one of the few times out of the year that everyone got to overeat and it made fat people not look as bad. We were basically eating what everyone else was. But, I didn’t overeat and I still stuck to my “Lifestyle Change Plan”…that’s what I call it, instead of a diet. The way I see it is that people go off of diets. They diet for a time then eventually quit and go back to their old eating habits. I didn’t want to do that so I call it a Lifestyle Change Plan. So back to Christmas, I was very proud of myself. I still ate, and I ate well, but I didn’t overeat and I stayed away from all the sweets. This seemed to be a great beginning.
Chapter 5: Slap in the Face
I survived the semester and was so excited when I got to go home for Christmas break. It was then that I started talking to my parents about my having weight loss surgery. Mom, and now my older sister had all had it done and it was going great so far for them, and dad was having it done in a month or so. It was a family affair that I was being left out of. I realized I’ll be the only fat one, and that thought terrified me. So I started researching and pulling up medical information that was needed for the paperwork for the surgery. It was around 2am one morning, and like always I was still awake. I was browsing the internet hoping I would find a quick, magic pill to lose weight overnight…I never found it, but what I did find was a medical website dedicated to weight loss. There was a link/section of the site where you could figure out your BMI (Body Mass Index). This number basically told you how fat you were. It also put you into, what I call a “fat category”. The categories were as follows: Underweight,
Chapter 4: My First Semester
I had been accepted into the
Throughout the first semester I was miserable. Being six hours away from my family and friends played a huge role in my emotions. At the end of September my Bulimia relapsed. I started binging and purging several times a week. I was losing a little bit of weight, but I was also getting extremely sick and depressed. At the end of November I had decided to drop out of school, and move back home. My roommate walked in on me during my "breakdown"...I was sitting in front of my laptop in tears. This was not just the lil tears dropping from my face, this was the whole "ugly cry" as I like to call it. It was runny nose, sobbing, hiccups, crying...the whole package. He sat down infront of me and asked what was wrong. I told him and he looked at me and said, "You need to get up, wash your face and be strong. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself for a few minutes, but you can't sit here and cry forever. You can't quit school, and you can't leave. Be strong." I took his advice.
Chapter 3: Senior Year
Senior year I also started wearing jogging pants and gym shorts, but not because I was to fat to fit into jeans, but because it was senior year...I wanted to be comfortable and lazy. The worst thing about wearing gym shorts is that over the span of senior year I put on about 50lbs; however, I didn't realize it due to the fact that I was wearing elastic. Maybe if I had worn more jeans I would've realize they no longer fit. Maybe I could have caught this problem sooner.
Graduation day I wore the biggest gown they had and I still looked like a whale, but once again, as soon as I stepped on stage to sing for the Ceremony I felt as though people forgot that I was a fat-ass. I never really worried about fat people stuff either. I would still do things as though I were thin, but all the while it just made me look like an idiot. At graduation, while I sat in the seats I started to get paranoid thinking, "What if I fall walking across the stage?" Not only would it be embarassing for a regular size person, but for a human whale it would be horrible. I would probably break a hole in the stage and they would have to stop the ceremony to have someone come fix the hole so that nobody would get killed falling through it. Then everyone would hate me for making them sit there and wait. I thought about this the entire speech from our Principal, so by the time I got up to get my diploma I was sweating, trying my hardest not to fall. I even lifted up my robe as I walked up the small plank to the stage. Luckily I didn't fall and I didn't ruin the entire graduation.
I had done it...I had graduated. I was done. Not for long.
Chapter 2: Nutrition Class
I have tried all kinds of diets...I've tried working out, only to quit three days into the program. I also tried the whole eating disorder thing. I became Bulimic around the end of sophomore year, and I hid it extremely well. I lost a little bit of weight, but I was mainly always in a bad attitude because I was hungry and sick. I carried this on until Senior year. Nothing ever seemed to work, so by my senior year of high school I had accepted the fact that I was overweight and would probably be overweight for the rest of my life. I used to joke around and say, "I was born fat and I'll die fat." however that is not something I really believed nor did I want it to happen. Senior year, spring semester I took a Foods & Nutrition Class as an elective with one of my best friends. The teacher was awesome and we both loved her and looked up to her, therefore we enrolled in the class. We both enjoy cooking so we thought it would be fun to take. The first part of the semester the class focused on Nutrition, such as what to eat, what NOT to eat, etc.
We learned about different foods that provide different vitamins and nutrients. We learned that your body needs a combination of many things to stay healthy. We also learned how to substitute healthy food for nonhealthy food in recipes. It seemed to be a great start for eating healthy. I still, however, didn't take this chance as the golden opportunity to lose weight. I continued to eat large portions, going back for seconds and even thirds at the buffet, eating dessert for a meal, eating a ton of sugar, drinking soda, then complaining that I couldn't fit into jeans.
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